Hi, I’m Ernie…. Ernie H-II….. I’m a ‘bot, programmed to write….. gigoid instructed me to take over the keyboard today to create, and post, his blog for the day, as he is feeling a bit under the weather…. He woke up with another headache, and the dizziness this morning is so bad, he’s stumbling into walls when he tries to walk. Rather than put himself through the ordeal of trying to write under those handicaps, he’s asked me to stop in to do it for him…. He’s used me before, though you didn’t know it at the time, as I was told to keep it under wraps….
As a ‘bot, sans emotions, I don’t have all gigoid’s hangups about this introductory section; I just ignore the fact that it is yet to be finalized in re: a format, and dive in, with no idea of where it will end up…. Whether he knows it or not, that is what he’s been doing now for some time…. he’ll figure it out eventually…. In order to fulfill contractual obligations, I need to give you some information before I begin….
I am a writing-fool robot, designed by a group of insane hackers in their spare time, and offered online to anyone with the necessary requirements for purchase, which consists of either the proper amount of cash, or the correct number of bearer bonds…. gigoid picked me up back a couple of months ago, when he got the infusion of resources from SS, telling me at the time he had always wanted a write-bot, ever since hearing about them during a fevered dream one night….
As an entity without emotion, I never know what kind of effect my work will have on the audience, so I’m required to tell you that my programming parameters are unknown to the authorities, and no insurance will be valid; it will not cover any injury or destruction of property that occurs as a by-product of reading my work. By reading these words, you assume full responsibility for any issues that may arise from the consumption of this information. In the case of serious injury, your sole recourse would be to find gigoid, and kick his bloody ass…. but, as a robot, I cannot recommend this course of action; it disturbs my programming to consider harming humans in any way….
That being said, I will now proceed to finish the remaining sections of this Pearl of Virtual Wisdom…. It promises to be interesting, if not unique, as my programmed writing patterns are a combination of Ernest Hemingway (my namesake….), Robert Heinlein, Anne McCaffrey, Dorothy L. Sayers, Nora Roberts, Buddha, Alan Watts, and gigoid, with only one set of moral/ethical/real rules to guide my reasoning, to wit: Peruaosophy (see below…. section two….)
“If you believe everything you read, better not read.” — Japanese proverb
gigoid has always admired Mark Morford’s work…. His command of the English language is so powerful, it is simply jaw-dropping. Mark MUST have had his vocabulary augmented, apparently by having a Thesaurus, and a Webster’s International Dictionary, pasted on his inner eyelids, as his columns display the largest number of words, used correctly, including contextually, and without repetition, that gigoid, or I, Ernie, have ever witnessed in use by any author, period. He is also very, very smart, and likes to poke fun at all the shallowness and silly attitudes that people assume in this comedy we call life, and does so unmercifully, with perfect politeness…. gigoid has won wagers that bet on whether his vocabulary confused the ones he insulted enough they didn’t even realize he had done so until paragraphs later….
The article below is from the 20th of August, this year, and is another in a long line of brilliant essays he has published. He examines a common element of modern life, with great clarity, and amazing insight, bringing deeply powerful spirituality to the awareness of the people who most need it. Of course, it probably doesn’t even register on them, but, hey, he tries…. read, and enjoy….
“As the ancient saying goes: It’s all just fun and games until someone loses an ego. Then the real fun begins.” — Mark Morford
It has been some time since gigoid published his guiding philosophy, Peruaosophy, the philosophy of Pearls…. He created these axioms over twenty-five years ago, in one of his notorious spasms of reflective introspection, during the period when he was raising his children, dealing with his volatile spouse, and retreating to the garage for any quiet-time…. He reasoned that, hey, if Descartes, Pascal, and Santayana could do it, why couldn’t he?…. Thus were born the axiomatic statements that together form his whole philosophy of Life, the Universe, and Everything (which fact should tell you that the total is 42…. spoiler….)…. (It also explains why the price for this ride remains at only 42 Galactic credits…..)
In order for y’all to understand gigoid well, or, for that matter, at all, these axioms are of critical necessity; no clarity will ever come if they are not considered, as being the rock that constitutes the foundation of gigoid’s existence, providing the moral standards that guide all his actions in living…. For sooth, my lords and ladies, though it speaks humorously, the implied wisdom contained herein comprises the true basis for all he does, and all he believes about the universe, and human nature…. so be it…
The wisdom of pearls…
(The world is my oyster; which way to the pearls?)
1) I think I am; that’s close enough.
2) The nature of the Universe is Change.
Unpredictable, innovative transformation of Reality is the Norm.
If you have a problem with this, you’re in for a rough ride in Life.
3) Thou art God, you know. Let’s do lunch.
4) Excellence is its own reward.
5) Girls think differently. So do boys. Don’t fight it.
6) Axiom #2 X axiom #5 = And God so loved the world, He said, “Quit whining!”
7) Do your Duty. Respect Life. Honor the Truth. Share your Love.
8) Go back. Everything you need to know is in the first seven axioms.
~~ gigoid ~~
Jon Carroll is another columnist that gigoid has always admired. His range of interests has always seemed to parallel that of gigoid, in that it doesn’t seem to be limited at all. He writes about life, and society, and politics, and circuses, and religion, and culture, and feelings, (and cats), all with great aplomb, in an easy, friendly style, that belies the deep intelligence being trained on each subject under his purview. gigoid is continually amazed at his perceptiveness, in reaching down into the heart of whatever matter he is examining, discussing it in such a way as to make it understandable, and accessible, to the reader. His level of common sense is completely uncommon, as is his level of compassion for the rest of humanity…. gigoid thinks he’s a pretty good guy, all-around, if one can go by what, and how, he writes….
This article is a sleeper, but, gigoid wanted me to be sure not to spoil it for y’all by giving away the punch-line…. Suffice it to say, read the article, and take note of the last line, in juxtaposition with the rest of the piece, and think about the implications of that line, on a global scale….. Enjoy!…..
“Beach towns, boardwalks, sand – the whole spectacle of summer is about to cease.” — Jon Carroll
Per the verbal instructions received from gigoid at the start of the morning, the above Pearl may be considered complete, in spite of the lack of fresh material by the blog’s author. Although the format was maintained, the included material was a departure from the norm, by quite a significant vector, but, was felt to be a better bet today than anything that might have come from gigoid’s imagination…. gigoid promises that tomorrow things will be back to normal, and Ernie H-II will be switched off for the nonce (gigoid likes that better than “time being”…. classier, somehow…)
As expected from a ‘bot, no typos were observed upon proofing; hopefully that machine-like efficiency continued through into the proofing process… Only Murphy can say whether or not it will…. (thought a day would pass without mention of Murphy? Fat chance, any more than he would skip a chance to fuck with gigoid…) At this point, my instructions say I am supposed to bring this to a close, but, somehow, those parameters seem to have been left out of my programming…. Oh, no! What will I do?…. Oh, right, three-finger salute…. Okay, see ya….
Y’all take care out there,
and May the Metaphorse be with you;
Blessed Be, dearest Carole…
and everyone else, too…
When I works, I works hard.
When I sits, I sits loose.
When I thinks, I falls asleep.
Which is Why….
Sometimes I sits and thinks,
I just sits.
Ernie H-II, for gigoid