I have been eighty years at it, and have not reached my goal.”
~~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832) ~~
The picture is one almost everyone has seen by now; I got this copy from the London Daily Yell (Telegraph), in their Pictures of the Day feature. It shows the Grand Canyon, filled up by a fog that completely covers the floor of the canyon, as seen from one of the vantage points somewhere in Arizona, or Colorado…. Great shot, but, I couldn’t help thinking about how strange it must be to be on the floor of the canyon when it happens…. Talk about eerie!…. I bet the Indian ghosts who live there have a great time, running about, scaring the tourists….
There…. I’ve started a Pearl with an intro that doesn’t rant…. In addition, it never comes close to anything resembling nonsense…. At the same time, I managed to fulfill attribution requirements, and still get a mild joke in there…. Not bad for a totally new concept for me…. an introduction that actually starts the day out with some relatively common sense, rather than the usual nonsense, or, the overflowing angst that often takes over my fingers on the keyboard. I doubt it comes up to any of the more popular blogs out there, but, it’s a change for here, so, I can deal…. Not that it matters if I don’t, but, like anyone, I don’t like to look foolish any more than necessary….
Probably a little late on that, aren’t I? Oh well, it goes right along with how my week has gone, overall…. There have been some moments of grace and pleasure, such as when my kids came over to visit, and I talked to a friend on the phone, but, mostly, it’s been a week of agonizing pain, leading to the consumption of so much chemical help, my mind turns to mush, or I get sleepy, or just plain can’t think…. For me, THAT is terror…. Yesterday, Christmas, I spent sleeping, or sitting at the comp, staring at the screen, wondering if I had the wherewithal to even watch a movie, or wandering around, trying not to fall into a stupor….
Not my most productive day, though I did manage to get some of this Pearl finished, which will help this morning go faster…. I’m hoping I didn’t annoy anyone out there, by my absence, or any inadvertent failure to fulfill a given promise…. I don’t remember if I gave any, but, I couldn’t be sure of anything I did, or didn’t do that I said I would, so, mea apologia, to anyone to whom I displayed unintentional disrespect…. I can only plead temporary insanity (clinically speaking, severe pain can cause such….), and hope for forgiveness….
On that pathetic little note, I think it’s best if I get on with today’s mess; I have a feeling much of it shows how badly my PTSD has been affecting me this week; it always manages to rear its ugly head when I’m having this much pain…. I suppose it just wants to feel like it’s part of the party, but, I could do without a lot of the tears, and the sudden onset of deep emotional reaction to rather mild stimuli…. such as bursting into tears over a passage in a book that speaks of some powerful interaction between people…. Nobody is here to see, but, it is embarrassing, nonetheless for that….
Ah well, the hell with it…. Be aware, ffolkes, this one may have a few bits of smearing, from the tears getting into the ink, so, if watching someone display inner conflict is disturbing to you, maybe you should just watch the video, (picked, in part, for its ‘lightness’….), and call it a day…. It’s bound to be different tomorrow, right? Right…. Well, we hope so…. No…. It’s too important, and more than mere hope is needed…. We are counting on it being different tomorrow, because today, quite frankly, sucks….
Shall we Pearl?
“All things are the same,–familiar in enterprise, momentary in endurance, coarse in substance. All things now are as they were in the day of those whom we have buried.” — Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD) — Meditations, ix, 14
One of the sure signs I’m getting old seems to be how much time I spend in thinking of past events, and bygone years; one of the sure symptoms of that is the old material I’ve been putting here, as blasts from my past…. If y’all are at all perceptive regarding psychological motivation, the shows I put here will tell you a lot about my inner workings, and what I find important in life….
How can that be surmised from all this? Easy…. remember that each of these shows I have termed my favorites are part of what I grew up believing, or, at least, the stuff society WANTED me to believe…. so, it all makes up a part of my inner picture…. In my case, it’s a pretty esoteric, exotic picture, but, hey, somebody has to exist at the fringes of society, right?…. Right…. Enjoy!….
Yesterday, for me, was a wash, in almost every respect…. I felt absolutely miserable for the best part of the day, with various body parts, and brain sections trading painful cries for attention; I was reduced to coping by cutting myself off from all human contact, (lest I do, or say, or not say, or not do, something I’d regret at a later date….), and, consuming large amounts of pain relieving substances, of various strengths and chemical compositions, necessitating the use of a variety of methods of ingestion/consumption…. a long winded way to say I drugged myself into insensibility for the entire day. The only computer time I spent was to search for material to fill in Pearls for a while, as I know this onset of my PTSD is one that may last a while; I fell into a pretty deep hole, and I’m not yet all the way out….
Much of that time was spent in a state of introspection re: my life, and the darkest moments in the past; this, naturally, leads to thoughts of how those times contributed to my present state of affairs…. The following is an older piece I wrote, during a period when many of the same issues were circling in my head… It’s a bit of a self-confession, so, if honest feelings dismay you, feel free to go on without reading….
Often of late, I find myself staring at the screen with a vacant expression, listening to the patter that passes for thoughts in my head. I can sit like this for a long time, just meandering here and there in my memory, re-living good and bad moments from what has turned out to be a lot more years than I ever thought about, really. Until I became 60, I had never thought about how it would feel to be that age, a discovery that surprised me to a certain degree.
But, as I thought about it just now, I realized that I really had not considered what I might be doing in my 60’s, either as a career, or as a person. Part of the surprise, I know, is connected to the fact that I am currently without a life-partner, as the one(s) I chose as my supposed mate(s) seem to have chosen to be elsewhere. This state, of living alone, was not part of my plan……
I had thought to be sharing all the joy, and all the pain that my life has brought me, with a person who I thought was as committed to that as I. Instead, I am left wondering, as Tom Robbins put it in “Skinny Legs and All”, “How do you make Love stay?” His premise is is based on the idea that love is easy to find, but impossible to keep, given the craziness of the modern world, and the state of confusion and angst that seems to be the legacy of everyone these days.
I’m not sure I completely agree with his final assessment, but I can see how it came to him, having had many similar experiences in my years. I hope he is wrong, and there are still people out there who can actually give their word to someone else, and mean to keep it….. If not, then the world is beyond hope, to my way of thinking, and we may as well just give up….
Of course, there is still that small part of me that won’t do that; I’m not sure if I should call it being stubborn, or stupid. Maybe it is what Emily calls Hope, that will not die easily. Whatever it is, it keeps me getting out of bed every day, with the view in mind to see what the world has to offer, whether it is more BS like I’ve been putting up with now for a few years, or whether there is some sort of justice to the world, and I’ll soon meet, or get together with, a person with whom I can share all of what I have inside me to give, and who will live up to whatever promises we can make to each other.
And if not, well, I guess I’ll just keep flirting with the young lady at the coffee shop, and listen to her talk about her boyfriends, smiling to myself, grieving for might have been, and hoping for what might yet be…..
leave the future behind;
leave the present behind.
Thou are then ready to go to the other shore.
Never more shalt thou return to a life that ends in death.
~~ The Dhammapada (c. B.C. 300) ~~
I also found this, a poem that fits in with the theme above like they were made to go together….
All my days I looked for love,
And found it everywhere I looked.
The years were joyous and fully booked
Seemingly by command from Above.
In return for all of the beauty in Life I found
I played life by the Rules that we all know,
It was from my father I learned the how,
Honest love, given freely, hand-fasted, gladly bound.
It seemed a while as if it were all real,
that fulfillment and contentment could be
as real as the children given us to oversee,
to teach them of Life and Love, and how to feel.
Then storm clouds of grievous change arrived, unbidden
Insidious, deceitful, three steps forward, then one back.
Tearing holes in our beautiful cloth, a heart heard to crack,
Gleeful demons eating life’s bounty, fangs dirty, and hidden.
Pain and sorrow grew, in defiance of all I tried,
Sanctuary turned into a reluctant scene of ritual battle,
Love still lives, but is herded like doomed and pitiful cattle,
While the keening of my soul sounds as if I’d cried.
Betrayal in love is, allow me to assure, no small pain to take.
Time has no power to reduce its place in my heart or soul.
My truest love became a stranger, a powerfully sharp toll,
Solitude has become my lot, no killing time for necessity’s sake.
Love yet surrounds me, everywhere; I’m not one of those fools…
Children are forgiving, I’m glad to be able to say,
They show me life’s solid purpose, the old, right way,
I guess I don’t know any other, than to Play it by the Rules.
~~ gigoid ~~
Okay, ffolkes, this one hurt, a lot, but it had to come out…. I’ve been in tears for an hour now, first drowning in feeling that arose from inside, unasked, then letting those feelings out onto the screen, and they’re not going to stop anytime soon, I can tell. This is an old, old pain, and apparently has been hiding for a while, buried much deeper than I had previously given credence to; it fucking HURTS!….. It’s a damn good thing that I’m an optimist, and too bloody stubborn to give up believing in Life, and all that is good and beautiful in it…. that’s all I can say…. otherwise, I’d be damned depressed right now….. I gotta go…..
Short note from 2014: Sadly, yesterday was a repeat performance of all this implies… and, as for the last paragraph, well, all I can say is, ditto….
I often compose pearls of virtual wisdom with the intention of helping others live life according to their own best potential, according to what I have learned in my life…. None of the pearls I’ve ever composed gives more good, solid advice on how to accomplish that purpose, to live life with dignity, and honor, than the following list…. If you don’t believe me, just compare this to how YOU live, and see which one makes more sense….
(The simplest way to test the validity of each piece of advice? As you read each suggestion, ask yourself, a) is it good advice?, and b) how often do I do this?….)…
1. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
2. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
3. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
4. When it’s in your best interest, always practice obedience.
5. Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
6. Take naps and always stretch before rising.
7. Run, romp, and play daily.
8. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
9. Be loyal.
10. Never pretend to be something you’re not.
11. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
12. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
13. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
14. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
15. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
16. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
17. When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
18. No matter how often you are criticized, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout.
Run right back and make friends.
It all sounds pretty sensible to me…. Also, I defy ANYONE to look at this picture, (stolen from Facebook, many moons ago….), and NOT say “Awwww”…..
Okay, well, it’s done. Beyond that, I make no implied promises. In fact, I’m going to take this opportunity to take my leave. while I still have a neuron or two working; maybe I can get something done today, other than sleep, or moan…. See y’all tomorrow, ffolkes, if only to make another futile attempt to save my sanity…. Maybe, tonight, if I work it right, I might actually sleep past 2 AM….
and May the Metaphorse be with you;
Blessed Be, dearest Carole, Mark, and Theresa…
and everyone else, too…
When I works, I works hard.
When I sits, I sits loose.
When I thinks, I falls asleep.
Which is Why….
Sometimes I sits and thinks,
I just sits.
gigoid, the dubious
PLEASE STOP READING THIS MESSAGE NOW.
À bientôt, mon cherí….