And then, I woke up….. at 0303, again. I’m not sure what it is about that particular moment in time that attracts my subconscious mind, but I seem to end up awakening at that time a lot more often that seems logical, or even coincidental…. must be some unknown piece of magic or something…. I’ve found, in the wisdom of my years, that sometimes the universe’s actions can only be explained by the presence of magic, which is fine with me, on all levels. It’s somewhat satisfying, in a way, to know that we can’t explain everything without using magic; it kind of makes the universe a little friendlier place, y’know?…. It doesn’t even matter if what I believe is true, that all of us are god, playing a game with ourselves to pass the time; magic seems to fit right in, even in a universe without an identifiable higher power…..
Wow, is that good, or what? That paragraph took exactly the amount of time to write as it takes to brew a pot of coffee, which is, no doubt, a fortunate thing for all of us. Since it’s ready, I’ll take advantage of the fact, and go make a cup, then explain…. be right back…… Well, damn. And shit. And fuck me sideways, Murphy is back in the house…. Yesterday, I was thinking he might have missed the memo about my return, as nothing particularly untoward, or even vexing, had occurred since I got back to town.
I should have known better; he was just waiting for the right moment….. I made sure to buy some half and half for my coffee this morning, as the little bit of it I had left in the fridge couldn’t be counted on to be good, having sat for two weeks, some of which was past its “use by” date. It was fine, though, but there wasn’t much of it, so I bought a half-pint here at the neighborhood store, until I can get to a bigger store for a half gallon. I even checked to make sure it wasn’t past its date as well…
Now I’m looking at a cup of spoiled coffee, with broken cream nodules all through it….. I swear, Murphy is back with a vengeance; he KNOWS how badly I react when my coffee is fucked with, so he went right for my jugular, at 0315 in the morning, with unerring accuracy….. Now I have to suffer until someplace opens, since this town lacks 24 hour conveniences to a large degree…. Oh, someplace might be open, but I don’t know where it is, and using a rental car (which I got yesterday to go see my grandson) to drive around long enough to find one seems a bit over the top, even for me and my jonesing….. In the words of some irritated queen of the past, fuck, fuck, fuck!….. I suppose it’s a good thing nobody is around for me to bite….
I suppose this means I’ll have to soldier on, without coffee, until the store opens at 6:30 or 7:00, which might even be later, today being Memorial Day and all…. I’ve often wondered about holidays; they challenge my sense of order. They are, basically, created by the government to stimulate the economy during times when it would normally be slow, to give businesses a chance to make some money at slow points in the financial year. In spite of this, many of the affected businesses close, to celebrate the holiday with the people who otherwise would make up their customer base. Makes no sense to me to have businesses closed on holidays…. Hell, the holiday was usually created FOR their benefit…. Oh well, I’ll just slide that over into the category with all the stuff that people do that makes no sense to me…. which I call the Mortimer file, for lack of a better name….
The Mortimer file is a very thick one, filled with an incredible number of activities promulgated by humans that just don’t fit anywhere into any system of logic, or stable philosophy. Stuff like…. oh, bank hours of operation. Rain on the ocean. Heaven and Hell. Eating foie gras, or any kind of organ meat, and pretending it tastes good. Zumba. Pilates. Madonna…. now THERE’s a big one! Why on earth do people pay any attention at all to her? Or, Lady Gaga, for goodness’ sake? Neither one can sing worth a shit, they dress really funny, and consistently say really stupid stuff, yet people buy anything with their name on it…. Now, THAT’s really stupid, and just doesn’t compute for me….
Oh well, I could go on forever with stuff from the M-file, but, it’s getting on toward dawn, and I’m still blathering on in the intro section, rambling and spouting off about not much at all. I guess I should get started on a Pearl…. I will, too, right after a session on the porcelain throne, which, I sure, it too much information…. Suffice to say…. Shall we Pearl?…..
“Hateful to me as are the gates of hell, is he who, hiding one thing in his heart, utters another.” — Homer (c. 700 B.C.)
Deliberate untruth is, to my mind, the absolute worst thing of which humans are capable. Nothing is more hurtful to others, or more damaging to the spirit of the person who commits the act. It is a stain on the character of a man, to deliberate tell a falsehood, especially for gain. It is a bit more understandable, if no less wrong, to tell a lie, in order to protect one’s own feelings or reputation; to tell a lie in order to gain power over others, or to gain some kind of material advantage, is the worst thing a person can do to another, short of causing them physical harm, or even death. At least killing someone to get something is honest, if reprehensible in its own right…..
Truth is what makes us free, and strong, and insisting on it in all one’s dealings with others is not only a good policy, from a philosophical, moral, or ethical standpoint, but is the mark of a person who can be trusted, one who is worthy of our love, and consideration. The inability to be consistently truthful, or worse, the deliberate use of lies to achieve ends, is a sure sign of someone to avoid, at the least, if not one to be watched with caution, in order to prevent being victimized by their lack of morals. Having a large stick handy is a good idea when dealing with these individuals, or groups, for that matter…..
I’m not sure what prompted this little discussion, unless my unconscious is directing me to stop my own use of untruth in dealing with a certain situation. My thoughts of late, especially at night during those moments before sleeping when we tend to chew on stuff that is bothering us, have turned to my relationship with my doctor, in relation to the relationship I have with the HMO for which he works, as contrasted by the mask of invisibility I have worn for 43 years in public, of all venues except personal.
I know, that’s pretty obscure, but has relevance because my decision to either maintain or drop the mask will have far-reaching effects for me. What I wrote above is what I believe, so I’m afraid I will be compelled to start telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and that is a dangerous thought, and proposition…. And, as you can tell by my obscure language, I’m not yet ready to tell that particular truth to the Internet; not out of fear, I don’t think, but out of a life-long habit of being conscious of security. My insistence on telling the truth doesn’t extend to being stupid about it in defense of my own well-being; we have to survive to be able to speak, whether truth, or lie…..
But, I have obviously (to me) decided to call my doctor’s bluff, and tell him the truth, since he is legally bound not to share it with anyone else. I don’t know if this will make it impossible to remain as his patient, as, up to now, he has been a good doctor to me, concerned with my welfare over the needs of the system. If he continues to reject the onus of responsibility, and make decisions about my medical care based on legal and policy strictures rather than any medical basis, I will have to seek someone who will put my health first….. And, the truth is the only way to do that, so….
“. . is to attempt seeing Truth without knowing Falsehood. It is the attempt to see the Light without knowing Darkness. It cannot be.” — Frank Herbert, Dune
Okay, I won’t bore y’all any further, and that’s the truth, for now……
“Well done is better than well said.” — Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
At the first turning of the second stair
I turned and saw below
The same shape twisted on the banister
Under the vapour in the fetid air
Struggling with the devil of the stairs who wears
The deceitful face of hope and of despair.
— TS Eliot
Again, I’m uncertain as to my own motivation for saving this, other than its obvious power of expression, and obvious excellence. My life doesn’t currently present any such negative connotations as implied in this snippet from Eliot, yet it speaks to me somehow…. I guess there are some things we are destined never to understand, especially about our selves….
I’d be bored, I think, if
I allowed “bored” in my life.
I never wanted to think,
I got tired of my own head. ~~ gigoid
I know it doesn’t rhyme, but it feels like one. But, I don’t have anything else right now, so I’ll go consult with Google and my whimsy, and see what happens…..
I opened my eyes
And looked up at the rain,
And it dripped in my head
And flowed into my brain,
And all that I hear as I lie in my bed
Is the slishity-slosh of the rain in my head.
I step very softly,
I walk very slow,
I can’t do a handstand–
I might overflow,
So pardon the wild crazy thing I just said–
I’m just not the same since there’s rain in my head.
~~ Shel Silverstein ~~
There’s nothing for it now, ffolkes, I’m going to have to go old school on you…. I’ll do my best to not make it too obscure, but, no matter what, it will be different, and interesting, for sure…. Enjoy….
“I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers.” — Kahlil Gibran, Sand and Foam, 1926
“Almost every man wastes part of his life attempting to display qualities which he does not possess.” — Samuel Johnson
“There are no foolish questions and no man becomes a fool until he has stopped asking questions.” — Charles P. Steinmetz
“It has always seemed to me extreme presumptuousness on the part of those who want to make human ability the measure of what nature can and knows how to do, since, when one comes down to it, there is not one effect in nature, no matter how small, that even the most speculative minds can fully understand.” — Galileo Galilei
Are there not, dear Michal,
Two points in the adventure of the diver,–
One, when a beggar he prepares to plunge;
One, when a prince he rises with his pearl?
Festus, I plunge.
— Robert Browning (1812-1890) — Paracelsus, Part i
“It’s easier to curse the candle than light the darkness.” — Smart Bee
“Naive alien. And if certain things stand in our way — Klingons for Kirk, reality for me — well, we just have to suck in our guts, set the phasers on Stun, and hope for the best.”” — Merle Kessler, IAN SHOALES’ PERFECT WORLD
There you go…. I keep telling you, it’s all in the wrist….
“”To post or not to post, that is the question…Whether ’tis nobler on the ‘net to suffer, the flames from outrageous loonies or to press ‘F’ against a sea of slander and by opposing end them? To send KILL signal; to sleep(1); No more…” — 25 million Internet monkeys channeling Shakespeare….
I have to say, it’s been an interesting morning, all in all…. I’ve been up for almost five hours now, and have gotten a lot accomplished already, before most of the world, at least, this part of it, is even awake. I’ll take it…. Y’all take care out there, and May the Metaphorse be with you…..
When I works, I works hard.
When I sits, I sits loose.
When I thinks, I falls asleep.
Which is Why….
Sometimes I sits and thinks,
I just sits.