Ffolkes,
Contemplation of impending disaster, as I can say from experience, is an exercise in futility. It does me no earthly good to be smart enough to realize that everything is going to come crashing down around my ears next week, when I’m not smart enough to figure out how to keep it from happening. By this time next week, I’ll most likely be joining a new economic level, several steps below the poverty level that I have heretofore been struggling with. I am having to make some hard decisions, like having to sell my car, simply because I can’t pay for it, and eat too. Hell, it’s been three months since I could afford the extra money to go get a fast-food burger, and that was the last time I actually had beef to eat. A steak? Forget it, haven’t tasted one in over a year.

In spite of my supposed maturity, I find myself playing the blame game over this situation. It wasn’t my choice to retire when I did; I did it only to keep from getting fired as being unfit for duty, thanks to the callous disregard for common decency shown by the NSH Executive Director. In retrospect, I made an incorrect decision then, and am now paying the price. I should have immediately filed a Workman’s comp claim for my back, and then applied for a disability retirement. Instead, due to my stupid pride, and not wishing to be labeled as ‘disabled’,  I went for the standard retirement, not realizing at the time that it wouldn’t be enough to live on. For nine months now I’ve been trying to stem the incoming tide, and as a result, I’ve fallen behind every month to the tune of about $600, and the interest just keeps on climbing, because I can’t even pay that. Add in to that the passing of my mother, and my best friend, Noah, and you have a perfect picture of a man about ready to go under for the third time.

In the past year and change, I have been forced out of my job, had the great love of my life kick me to the curb, and lost half or more of my income. My dog died, my mother died, and as a result of doing my duty for my mother, I lost out on a cruise (my retirement gift to myself), and my sister and her family put me on their death-wish list. I’ll soon be without transportation. I have no TV, and thanks to having been cut off from all the people I knew at work, I have no friends here in town. My only contact with the outside world is my phone and email; soon I may have to give up the email, because I’m not certain I can afford the monthly  internet charge. If that happens, my only access will be at the library, to which I must walk, since I won’t have a car.

I’m not sure why this all came out this morning, other than the fact that all of this is crashing around in my head all the time, and there’s nowhere else to put it. In some ways it helps me to clarify all the details, so I can better deal with it. But the simple fact is that I don’t have the money to support myself in anything near the level I previously enjoyed. As a matter of fact, enjoyment will be in pretty short supply pretty soon, so I’m holding on to it as long as I can. All of this is not intended to create sympathy for my plight; I’ll survive, and don’t want sympathy anyway. Putting this all down has helped me to look at it all with some emotional distance, without passion, something not to be found inside my head. If hearing this disturbs you, I am sorry. Perhaps it’s time to look at things a bit more positively, so without further ado, we will join the regularly scheduled program in progress……remember, think positive!….

If you’re looking for trouble, I can offer a wide selection.

Marjoe and Doshen were meditating in a field when Doshen just went and smacked Marjoe upside the head.  “What the hell did you do that for?” asked Marjoe. “Nyuck nyuck nyuck,” replied Doshen. At that moment, Marjoe ordered pizza.

A rose is a rose is a rose…. —-‘–,-{@

“I’ve reached that age when a good day is one when you get up and nothing hurts.” — H. Martin

The sky is changed,–and such a change! O night
And storm and darkness! ye are wondrous strong,
Yet lovely in your strength, as is the light
Of a dark eye in woman! Far along,
From peak to peak, the rattling crags among,
Leaps the live thunder.
— Lord Byron (1788-1824)
— Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 92

Being normal isn’t one of my strengths.

Hell, I’d settle for normal right now, if I could get an offer….. y’all take care out there…..

Kowabunga!