Ffolkes,
Today’s subject line came to me when I was trying to find a way to describe what I have discovered these last few months, living on the edge of poverty. In some ways, it has been quite illuminating, once one can get past the bone-deep fear that seems to accompany this lifestyle.
‘This lifestyle’…..hmmph. Even that is euphemistic, a more delicate way to say what is actually true, to wit: living without money. As a middle-class citizen of this country, one gets accustomed to, and takes for granted, things that the lower income folks almost never see or have. Like plenty of money to buy food, after paying the most essential bills. Or enough to go out for a meal, or a movie, or just a drive. It’s hard to take a Sunday drive to see the sights, when there is no car; or if there is a car, it must only be used for work, with gas at $4/gallon. It’s hard to take in a movie, when one can’t even afford to have cable tv, if there is a tv to be had. Clean clothing becomes a luxury, when one lives without a washer & drier, and not enough cash to spare the $10-15 for the laundromat.
These are only the most obvious differences; the less obvious are nonetheless just as harmful to the spirit, degrading confidence and adding weight to the burdens already carried. Life then, for those in reduced circumstances (another euphemism….just how does one reduce one’s circumstances?), becomes a constant battle for survival, instead of a platform for growth. I can’t say that learning these life lessons is comfortable, nor can I say that I am learning them with grace; more of a growl. I find my spirit to be in constant need of rejuvenation; it keeps getting harder to find something about which I can feel hopeful. Each day brings another angry creditor to the door (figuratively speaking of course; thank goodness they haven’t started actually pounding at the door….. yet…).
Being the kind of person that I am, I know I will survive. But the shape of the future is not as clear as it used to be, hampered as I am by the fog of fear, and the constant distraction of having to find ways to live and spend less. It has been said that to be an artist, one must suffer….if that is even remotely true, then whatever work I am putting out in between periods of dithering about income vs. outgo, must be truly genius. I wish I could believe it is so…..
“Become what you are.” — Buddha
“In the vacant places, we will build with new bricks.” — T.S. Eliot
And after all, what is a lie? ‘T is but
The truth in masquerade.
— Lord Byron (1788-1824)
— Don Juan, Canto xi, Stanza 37
“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the bible were used to beat plowshares into swords…” — Alan Watts
When you are down and out, all too often the thing that turns up is the noses of your former friends.
“He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless
efforts.”– Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
Sometimes I sits and thinks,
and sometimes
I just sits.
Kowabunga!
gigoid 
Do you find that misery and hardship brings forth stronger and better words? … I’m sorry you’re suffering, Ned. And on top of everything else, to have lost your best friend recently. : (
I’m so proud of you for continuing to write in spite of it all.
I don’t know about better; that is a value judgment I leave to the reader, mostly. I mean, I try to look at my stuff objectively enough to tell if it is crap, or worth reading. I can’t always make up my mind, so others will have to say whether it is better or not. Now, stronger….that’s different. Much of what I’ve written recently has been stronger in the sense that the emotions behind them were deeper, and lent energy to the creative process…BOGUS! No more characters to write!
I can’t see what I just typed. Strange, I didn’t know there was a limit to the amount
I can write….NO, it’s not that at all!…It’s a feature bug!…In order to get more
lines to write, I must hit ‘enter’ first at the end of each line…how buggy can you get? Okay, as you can tell, I’ve ceased being serious, so I’ll sign off now. I’m glad
you still like my stuff, Shawna, and, no worries!….I’ll live…my creditors may not feel good about it, but I do….and the sun will come up tomorrow, just like always….
I, too, am so sorry for your predicament.
The Samuel Johnson quote is so good and so true. Own the moment, don’t let it own you. (I know, easier said than done). But hang in there, nevertheless!
Thanks Anne…I will indeed hang in there. Just a hard patch right now; it could be worse, though, as I have reason to know (second-hand as well as first). My doc will probably tell me it’s good to have dropped weight, so that right there is a good thing, right? I got caught prematurely and roped into retirement before I was really ready to do so, and that has contributed to current events. All will be well in the end, and things in my neighborhood will be less problematic, and more comfortable. Just have to hope that doesn’t keep me from writing…..see ya, and thanks for stopping by…..