Ffolkes,
I once read an article or essay somewhere that made the claim that when we cry or feel deeply sad over the death of a loved one, we are really crying for ourselves, not for the departed. In at least one respect, that is true; the person who has passed away is no longer suffering, and presumably has gone on to a better place, so in truth we ought to be happy, not sad. But we are sad, because it hurts to know that one in whom we have placed our trust and love will not be around anymore for us to be with, to talk to, to enjoy. So in that sense we are crying for ourselves, in lamentation for lost love. But, unlike the author of the piece I was reading, I believe that is okay. It is, if nothing else, a completely human reaction to feel pain at a loss, and to a certain extent our reaction may be called selfish; no one can deny that selfishness is purely human. But it is more than merely selfish, because humans are never just one thing at a time. We also feel our loss in other ways, and with other feelings. There is relief, for the ending of whatever pain the loved one may have been experiencing. There may be guilt, too, for taking the presence of the loved one for granted, or for not telling them they were loved. All of these differing reactions, and the many more I haven’t mentioned, only prove our humanity more, for in spite of what some would have us believe, we are not simple creatures. The relationships we build throughout our lives are held together with a myriad of feelings, all relating to the other person and the time we have shared with them. Our feelings don’t occur alone; there are always more than only one, for when they occur, they engender other feelings, which will then cause another, and another, and so on.
These thoughts, and a million more, have been circling around in my head for about a day now, since my brother called yesterday to let me know that our mother had passed away at about 1:00 pm. It was not unexpected; she was 90 years-old, and had been in the hospital for a week after suffering a massive stroke. I am sad, of course, and will miss her very much, but in truth, I don’t think it has really hit me yet. When my father passed away, 20 or more years ago, the full reaction didn’t come until weeks later, and I have the feeling that in this instance, it may be some time before I can grieve fully. It’s just so hard to accept their absence; there is never any real belief they are gone until one day, all one’s feelings just crash in at once. So, I have that to go through yet, which is okay by me. I have enough problems just now, and can’t really afford to fall apart at present.
Today’s Pearls were picked out before I heard about my Mom, and so have no particular point in light of that. They are. however, well able to make their own point…..
“A ‘No’ uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a ‘Yes’ merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.” — Mahatma Gandhi
“He who is most slow in making a promise, is the most faithful in the performance of it.” — Rousseau
“Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don’t see CARL SAGAN anywhere!!” — Zippy the Pinhead
“If you never assume importance you never lose it.” — Lao-tzu
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total oblivion. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and
through me and turn my inner eye to follow its path. When the fear is gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” — The Litany Against Fear (Frank Herbert, -Dune-, 1965)
Before you speak, just remember that you will not be asked to explain what you did not say!
Such a fine group of Pearls really deserves some witty or profound remark in response, but I’m afraid that may be asking too much of my Muse today, so we’ll have to make do with this…..y’all take care out there….and don’t forget to tell the people you love that they are appreciated. Ya never know when they might not be there any more to tell…..
Sometimes I sits and thinks,
and sometimes
I just sits.
gigoid
Kowabunga!
gigoid 
I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I do agree that some of the sadness is for ourselves – for our own void. But as you said, feelings don’t occur alone, and grief is always multi-layered. So while it may be selfish in one respect, it is also entirely compassionate as well and a good amount is for the dear spirit we once knew in the flesh and blood.
First off, my condolences. A loss is always painful and it does often take time to fully affect us. I remember my first real, soul wrenching cry over my mom’s death came a month and a half after she passed. I also think it’s important to remember that it is perfectly okay to lose control for a little while!
About grieving being selfish . . . . I have the somewhat unpopular opinion that absolutely everything any of us do is for selfish reasons. I do not believe in any truly selfless acts. Even charitable acts are done for selfish reasons – whether it’s for surface reasons such as tax breaks or make a positive impression or build a resume or the more subtle reason of “it makes me feel good to help others,” it’s still selfish.
So when it comes to grieving, of course we’re doing it for selfish reasons. We miss the person we love. In the case of my mom’s death, I grieve now – 16 years later – because of my daughter – because on my daughter’s first day of school, I didn’t get to call her and tell her all about it. (As one example of many) Is it selfish? Sure. Is there anything wrong with that? Absolutely not!