Dark, worrisome thoughts chase each other around my brain. My heart trips and stutters, echoing the panic felt in every piece of bone and gristle. Shadowy forms fill the edges of perception, fleeing when I whip my head to see them. My tears flow, unrelieved, filling my head with fluids, and my soul with pain….
Yes, it’s yet another visit from my PTSD, in all its glory. It is now 0150, and I’ve been up, sobbing, for an hour now…. there are times when I come very close to regret, something I swore to never feel, for all my past activities that contributed to how I feel now. Like Albert Einstein said once, “if I had known, I would have become a watchmaker.” Anything would be better than this….
Ah well, since I’m up, and sleep looks like a distant memory for tonight, I may as well go diving for pearls…. When I’m under water, the tears don’t seem like such a big deal…. and who knows? I might find something to help myself feel better…. it wouldn’t take much, believe me, as I feel just about as bad as I can….. Shall we Pearl?….. I think we’d better….
True is suffering; this is true cause;
this is true cessation; this is the true path.
Know the sufferings; give up they causes;
attain the cessation of the suffering; follow the true paths.
Know the sufferings although there is nothing to know;
relinquish the causes of misery although there is nothing to relinquish;
be earnest in cessation although there is nothing to cease;
practice the means of cessation although there is nothing to practice.
— Buddha, The Four Noble Truths
To look at this, one would think that it would be helpful in my current state…. but, y’know what? I could give a shit…. the way my mind is working just now, I look at this, and all I can say is… “BULLSHIT!”
I can see now that today’s Pearl is going to end up a bit dark…. I think it’s time for a little poetry…..
A door just opened on a street–
I, lost, was passing by–
An instant’s width of warmth disclosed
And wealth, and company.
The door as sudden shut, and I,
I, lost, was passing by,–
Lost doubly, but by contrast most,
~~ Emily Dickinson
Hmm…. I like it, but it doesn’t do much to relieve the darkness, does it? Ah well, c’est la vie…. we’ll just go on, and do the best we can….
And our best was just good enough to crawl back into bed at 0345. The PTSD attack seems to be done, but now I am awake again, there is some lingering depression; I can feel it, hanging in the background, just waiting to pounce at the first sign of weakness… In this state, it is much like a predator, hiding in the tall grass, just waiting for me to walk in the wrong direction, and into its waiting jaws. This calls for drastic measures….. Hmm, which shall I use? Bourbon for breakfast? Or a massive injection of humor? Let’s leave it up to Smart Bee, and the first relevant quote I can find will tell me which will work better….
O father, what a hell of witchcraft lies
In the small orb of one particular tear.
— William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Sonnets & other Poetry — A Lover’s Complaint, Line 288
I knew it! I knew if I kept at it long enough, I would find something written by Will Shakespeare that actually makes some sense. And I was right! The above couplet actually does make sense…. not only some sense, but written in an attractive, cohesive manner, in words that all fit together, and point in the same direction. For Will, that is indeed a rare occurrence.
An hour before the worshipp’d sun
Peered forth the golden window of the east.
— William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet — Act i, Sc. 1
Look! Look! It’s another one! And just when I thought I was done, this pops up….. I am impressed. Two in one day…. but, then, Romeo and Juliet IS the best work he ever did, so it makes sense that a couplet from its interior would fare better than one from, say, Troilus and Cressida, one of the most impenetrable pieces I ever saw…. Any who, enjoy these while you can, because I already have almost another dozen examples of his normal, terrible stuff saved up for use in the future, when I’m feeling cranky….
“Action is eloquence.” — William Shakespeare
Damn if Smart Bee wasn’t hiding another one…. this one actually could be described as “good”, as well as “deep”….. I’m impressed. But, I must remind you, this is merely three examples of good stuff from Will. I’ve already given at least 10 times as many examples of his normal, terrible stuff, and, at this very moment, have nine examples ready for publication…. the odds aren’t improving much, if these three are the best I can find….
“Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don’t see CARL SAGAN anywhere!!” — Zippy the Pinhead
Ah, Zippy! The true master of language! I genuflect in awe at his many proclamations of intense feeling, and insane, yet haunting, exclamations of joy, nonsensical as they may be. The fact that none of those feelings have anything to do with reality just makes them more charming, to my eye. No matter what he says, it is the kind of statement that makes one think, “Wow. I’ll bet there is a good back story on that!” Well, either that, or, “You lost me again, Zip…..” But, no matter what he says, one must admire him, and his creator, Bill Griffiths, for the unrelenting dedication to absolute chaos and the power of entropy in reality…. Zippy’s adventures are ALWAYS obtuse, and filled with lack of meaning, a real treat to us who are stuck in the real thing….
I had intended this to be a bonus pearl, having somewhat chopped up the first part due to incipient semi-psychotic behavior, and from a certain viewpoint, it is a bonus. (Remember in Star Wars, when Ben Kenobi tells Luke about his father, he says, “from a certain viewpoint”, to justify his lies to Luke….) Whether the bonus is appreciated, or merely tolerated, is entirely up to you, as always… But, I must ask, before you make your decision, consider the difficulty factor of today’s dive for pearls, hindered and manipulated as it was by my somewhat bedraggled, middle of the night panic attack. Hopefully, that will add a charitable factor to the judging process, and keep the score respectable.
If not, well, then, piss on it…. I’m done here, anyway….
For a treatise that took about seven or eight hours to complete, this has a somewhat unkempt feeling to it, like I didn’t brush my hair, or my teeth, or something. But, it does not matter a whit, as I am NOT going back and starting over. I’ve lost enough sleep today already, and editing would most likely put me right over the edge…. Y’all take care out there, and May the Metaphorse be with you…..
Sometimes I sits and thinks,
I just sits.