Almost very morning, for the last two or so years, I have arisen from my bed relatively early in the day, anywhere from 4 AM to 6 or 7 AM, and set myself to write. Every time I do, without fail, I suffer a pang of fear, that what I have to say will come out badly, or be boring, or most often, I”m afraid I won’t be able to think of anything worthwhile to write about. This morning, that fear has reached major proportions, because a) not only have I once again broken routine by staying up late, and arising late, so, I’m feeling rushed, and, b) not only can I not think of anything about which I feel like writing, but, worst of all, c) I don’t feel like writing at all….

Now, THAT is a huge change! I’ve depended on this process for quite a while now to maintain my sanity, and NOT having any urge to produce is a completely new feeling for me…. This process has all become habitual, often running by itself, without any conscious direction from me. I haven’t even bothered to consider whether or not I wanted to write; I just wrote. This morning I’m suffering from a lack of motivation as much as my usual lack of palatable, or at least acceptable, material, and I don’t know how to deal with it….

In at least one sense, this feeling, or lack of feeling, is a positive note in my existence, as it implies that those things in my life that cause me to feel depressed are either not presently active, or, are not bad enough to trigger any of my more destructive symptoms, such as labile emotionalism, angst, diffuse anxiety, and unreasoned fear. This leads me to feel competent, able to deal with any other difficulties with a higher degree of success, which, happily, leads to a further reduction of overall stress….

In addition, I seem to be getting the hang of living with my back and hips in this condition, (that is to say, weak, and constantly threatening a higher pain level), by not making mistakes about physical activities that cause me to tweak it, sending me into crescendos of spasms and severe pain; I haven’t had that problem in some time… My use of meds is not necessarily reduced, as I still get breakthrough pain at times, but it seems much more consistent in the average number per day….

All this means I don’t fear for my sanity as much as previously… This is, no doubt, probably not a wise course of action, as sanity can be a pretty slippery slope, and Murphy is always lurking around somewhere, just waiting to fuck with me for no good reason. But, it also means a period of time when it will be a struggle to find the motivation to write, perhaps even a bigger struggle than the daily one I have now in looking for something to write about…. Motivation is much harder to create than prose, I’ve found, especially within ourselves. I find it uplifting, and easier, to help others find motivation than I do finding it for myself; that’s probably very human of me, but, hey, you can’t pick your parents, or your species….

I do seem to be getting pretty good at this intro business, from an output standpoint, anyway. I can’t speak to the quality of what comes after, but I’d say the intro is fairly consistent these days, starting each day’s post with a four-to-six-or-seven-paragraph discussion of pretty much nothing at all, confusingly, but, firmly, leading the Gentle Reader deeper into the morass, until they have to go on to the end just to find their way back to reality…..

Hopefully, the poetry, and some of the virtual wisdom that is presented, makes the trip worthwhile… because, now, it’s no longer all about keeping me sane, which implies that I will spend less time in that state… or, not, which may or may nt completely destroy all my creative urges, and I’ll just fade away into blog limbo, never to be heard from again…. Sadly, I am unable to judge whether or not that is a comforting thought, or a scary one…. and I don’t think I want y’all to decide, either…. which means I’d best get on with this….

Shall we Pearl?…..
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Since my own level of creativity is in the dumps, I’ll be depending on Smart Bee heavily today…. Let’s see what it has for us today…. What happens now is as much of a surprise for me as it is for you, as this is my favorite kind of old-school pearl, one that I have started my search by typing in “star dot star”, or *.*, a search parameter that tells the search engine to look for anything, everywhere, which means one never knows what will be found…..

“How’s the wife?  Is she at home enjoying capitalism?” — Zippy the Pinhead

“Since my cat learned to type, there is no guarantee whose thoughts these are…” — Smart Bee

“One of my favorite philosophical tenets is that people will agree with you only if they already agree with you. You do not change people’s minds.” — Frank Zappa, 1979

“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.” — Alden Nowlan

“Fools! they know not how much half exceeds the whole.” — Hesiod (c. 700 BC) — Works and Days, Line 40

Hmm… okay, I admit, it’s a bit obscure…. Let’s see if two more will fix it….

“Think of doubt as an invitation to think.” — Smart Bee

“One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty in finding someone to blame your troubles on. And when you do find someone, it’s remarkable how often their picture turns up on your driver’s license.” — P. J. O’Rourke

Yep, perfect…. Enjoy!…..
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“Emily Dickinson didn’t even publish books, she just wrote these demented little poems with a quill pen and hid them in her desk, but they still fought their way into the world, and lasted on and on and on. It’s damned hard to get rid of Emily Dickinson, she hangs on like a tick in a dog’s ear. And everybody who writes from then on in some sense has to measure up to this woman. In the art of book-writing the classics are still living competition, they tend to elevate the entire art-form by their persistent presence.” — Bruce Sterling

This is quite true, but, it’s like that hive of bees…. Eventually, you just have to say to yourself, “Well, yes, having this urge to write poems IS much like having a hive of bees live in my head….. But, there they are!” Acceptance is hard, but in Emily’s case, not quite as hard for me as for some folks, as I KNOW I’ll never reach her level of genius when it comes to poetic expression, so I don’t bother to fret over it…. Here is an example of what I mean….

As I iterated above, and shall now reiterate, I’m lacking in inspiration, and motivation, which means I’m lazy, and I don’t care…. Not so lazy as to go to the archives, but, lazy enough to go with another old-school pearl in place of a rant, which, though I believe there is one in there, just primed to come out to play, it’s not quite the right moment for it…. Another rationalization, but, then, rationalization has always been one of my better skills. It’s particularly handy when trying to decide whether to indulge my own whims, such as this one, to pearl….. The first four of these presented themselves as a group when I was searching for the material in section one of today’s post, and seemed to have something to say…. Who am I to keep words from expressing themselves?….

“When an idea is wanting a word can always be found to take its place.” — J.W. von Goethe

“Let’s not be too tough on our own ignorance.  It’s the thing that makes  America great.  If America weren’t incomparably ignorant, how could we  have tolerated the last eight years?” — Frank Zappa, Feb 1, 1989

“…this would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it.” — John Adams, Letter to Thomas Jefferson, 1816

“I sometimes think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.” — Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

“Pardon him, Theodotus, he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.” — George Bernard Shaw

“A bare assertion is not necessarily the naked truth.” — George Prentice

“He may look like an idiot and talk like and idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.” — Groucho Marx

See, even when I’m being lazy, I can still take shots at pundits…. Gotta keep in practice, y’know?…..
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3.141592653589793238462643383279502883197116939937.. I forget the rest….

A friend is one who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

Both of the above quotes came from Smart Bee, which is often the only one who knows where it originated… They are both there just because I like them, and they seem to be appropriate for both the mood of today’s Pearl, and for my own mood…. I would say I just like them, but, since I did that already, I’ll just get on with the proofing…. It shouldn’t take long, as there isn’t that much that I composed fresh, which cuts down on editing…. Didn’t seem to cut down much today… that took almost as long as the intro…. But, it’s done, you’ll be thankful to know, and we can all get on with the rest of the day….. Y’all take care out there, and May the Metaphorse be with you….

When I works, I works hard.
When I sits, I sits loose.
When I thinks, I falls asleep.