Don’t ask, you DEFINITELY don’t want to know…. In fact, forget the above paragraph even exists…. I beg of you. If word of stuff like that gets out, I could lose my writer’s hack license….. then how would I eat? Oh, wait, it doesn’t pay me anything to write….. Well, never mind that, too….

Let’s hope third time is a charm…. We’ll try this…. Good morning! It looks to be another nice day here in California, and we’re all looking forward to the local flea and farmer’s market (or is that farmer’s flea market?…) at the center of the downtown area later today. There’s word there may be clowns…. so, keep the children and women at home, come on down, and take a few shots yourself! They allow the use of live ammo, and no penalties for collateral damages to local business, even if a clown crashes through their display window while trying to get away….

You don’t mean to tell me your town doesn’t have clown shoots? Hell, we’ve been holding them here every week for years, and the state government hasn’t ever bothered us about permits or anything. We have a direct line to the Barnum & Bailey winter HQ, where they’re happy to provide us with a number of their most nimble specimens each week, as they tend to breed like, well, clowns, when they’re in winter quarters, and they always have more lying around than they need themselves. It works out well for everyone, even the clowns, as they are fed & kept warm right up until they’re released for the shooting events….. Why, they even provide them lazy suckers with free noses!…..

Okay, my whimsy button got stuck, sorry…. I couldn’t seem to come up with anything remotely interesting to start with, so I just let my whimsy out, intending to allow it a few moments to play…. but it got stuck on some dried up Peanut Butter, and threatened to go on for quite a few paragraphs…. which COULD have been disastrous, given the tendency clowns have of getting into EVERYTHING while looking for spare jokes or hand-shake buzzers. It’s all good now, though; I think I’ve got them back in the bottle. I was afraid there for a moment, but, it worked out okay…. Nobody got squirted, did they? Good, there were more lapel flowers in that herd than was safe….

Now that I am thoroughly ashamed of myself, I will try to find the proper attitude of atonement, so the rest of this Pearl doesn’t crash and burn…. I’ve obviously pissed of the gods of literature, and must be punished. I’ll go abase myself at the altar of Smart Bee, and see if that doesn’t appease them at least a little…. I don’t know, they’re a tough room…. Oh well, little choice now…. Shall we Pearl?…..
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Smart Bee is a very interesting piece of software… a database of over a hundred thousand quotes, poems, excerpts from historical documents, entries from the Devil’s Dictionary, and numerous other fascinating bits of information. In addition to the quotes, aphorisms, and proverbs that provide me with subject matter for rants and/or discussions, it also provides me with items such as the following useful paragraph. I offer it here, to my fellow authors, as a resource for a phrase that all of us tend to use on occasion, especially those of us who write about politics or religion in modern society, or in history….. it’s quite valuable in that regard, as it gives us a large group of words from which to draw what we need for our purpose…. To wit:

“This “brain-damaged” epithet is getting sorely overworked.  When we can speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled; batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented, deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts, Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong;  senseless, spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked;  {beef, beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numbskulled, pinhead;  asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple;  brute, lumbering, oafish; half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon, individually and in combination, isn’t it a little <fill in the blank> to be limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?” — Smart Bee

See? Now, isn’t that just perfect? Now, when you’re looking for just the right adjective to apply to some random Congressman, or Senator, or Popish sort, and you’re tired of all the ones you’ve been used to using, here is a list that will thrill the heart of any true curmudgeon. I mean, look at it! Complete, creative, and chock full of straight talk about the folks we love to hate.

What isn’t readily apparent is the versatility of this list….. Grab yourself a thesaurus (Roget’s will do….) and you’ve got an even larger universe of words from which to choose, as you can take each of those above, and plug them into the book of synonyms for an expanded list for your use. Handy, eh? And so affordable….

So, in the spirit of public giving, I hope you enjoy this little gift from gigoid, and Smart Bee, and find it to be as useful as I do…. It’s just about as good as using Shakespeare’s insults, which have been compiled in a document worthy of reproducing here…. I found this recently, though I first saw it many years ago, on a WordPress site… THE LITERARY MAN ( http://literaryman.com ), one of the blogs I follow, and had to save it for my own use…. It’s also a valuable resource for anyone who wishes to put someone down in a classic, erudite fashion…. Use it as you will….

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À Bas Ben Adhem

My fellow man I do not care for.
I often ask me, What’s he there for?
The only answer I can find
Is, Reproduction of his kind.
If I’m supposed to swallow that,
Winnetka is my habitat.
Isn’t it time to carve Hic Jacet
Above that Reproduction racket?

To make the matter more succinct:
Suppose my fellow man extinct.
Why, who would not approve the plan
Save possibly my fellow man?
Yet with a politician’s voice
He names himself as Nature’s choice.

The finest of the human race
Are bad in figure, worse in face.
Yet just because they have two legs
And come from storks instead of eggs
They count the spacious firmament
As something to be charged and sent.

Though man created cross-town traffic,
The Daily Mirror, News and Graphic,
The pastoral fight and fighting pastor,
And Queen Marie and Lady Astor,
He hails himself with drum and fife
And bullies lower forms of life.

Not that I think much depends
On how we treat our feathered friends,
Or hold the wrinkled elephant
A nobler creature than my aunt.
It’s simply that I’m sure I can
Get on without my fellow man.

~~ Ogden Nash
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“I represent a sardine!!” — Zippy the Pinhead

At this point, after reading that line, you might just be wondering if I’ve slipped my leash again…. and, you’d be justified in that thought. However, rest assured, I’m perfectly sane, if somewhat metaphorically, so it’s all good, right? Right…..

Now, such a bald statement from our old pal is liable to make one think at first that he is either kidding (not bloody likely….), or he is currently having hallucinatory delusions of being a seafood lawyer, or fish solicitor, as my British friends would say. While both of those are possible scenarios, similar in nature to Zippy’s previous episodes of verbal gymnastics, neither is correct in this instance, as I happen to know that he is teaching a lesson in metaphorical manipulation, or, as it is commonly known, lying his ass off, to keep you preoccupied while he is doing something else he doesn’t want you to see, or know about…. He’s tricky that way….

I suppose he might be trying to tell us he is a theatrical/literary agent of some sort, and has a sardine who a) has written the next best seller, entitled “The Truth About Tuna”,  an exposé of the fishing industry, b) has a voice like Pavarotti, c) juggles three seahorses while riding a motorized wheelchair, or d) paints incredibly lifelike pictures of cruise ships, from an underwater view…. He might, if that is what he meant, but, it isn’t…. It is all just a distraction, a hullabaloo to draw your attention away from his real purpose, which has to do with several cases of motor oil, a rag-time band, two Senators, and a motel out on Route 666….. You really don’t want to know, now, do you?

No, really, ffolkes, I had a reason to show Zippy’s little gem off today, and it was really a good one…. So, it’s really too bad that, by the time I finished with the second paragraph above, I completely lost track of whatever it was I had to say about it….. That, of course, is embarrassing, but not as much as having to turn tail, right in the middle of a pearl, or what SHOULD have been a pearl, and go old school, just to save my ass from complete well, asininity (what else?….)….

So, here is what Smart Bee came up with, and taken together, the pearls all DO have a point…. just don’t ask me what it is, because even if I knew, I don’t think I can be trusted today to say it correctly, or even interpret it accurately…. So, you’re kind of on your own…. Don’t worry, they’re all safe, just pointed a little….Enjoy!….

“Look under enough rocks and you’ll find _something_ slimy” — Smart Bee

“And gentle Dulness ever loves a joke.” — Alexander Pope (1688-1744) — The Dunciad, Book ii, Line 34

“Don’t edit reality for the sake of simplicity.” — Smart Bee

“No people do so much harm as those who go about doing good.” — Mandell Creighton (1843-1901)

“A thief believes everybody steals.” — E.W. Howe

“I have a feeling that at any time about three million Americans can be had for any militant reaction against law, decency, the Constitution, the Supreme Court, compassion and the rule of reason.” — John Kenneth Galbraith

“My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.” — George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Well, there you have it, such as it is…. Ta then, luvs…..
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I’m a bit hesitant to go back over this, but, here goes….. Well…. I seem to have been determined to keep things light today; it’s all covered with a thin coating of insane hilarity, that never quite breaks through into genuine hysteria, but indubitably hovers on the edge of falling over into pathetic silliness. I guess I had to shrug off the heaviness picked up over the last couple of days of processing stress….. Ain’t Life Grand!…..

If nothing else, it might provide y’all with a smile or two, or maybe even a chuckle…. I don’t think you need to worry, though…. I didn’t see anything that should make you blow milk or tea out through your nose from guffawing…. We always have a medical professional on call; they can be here in mere seconds, so no worries, mates….  Y’all take care out there, and May the Metaphorse be with you…..