Can we see the blank menu, please?….

Ffolkes,

“Beware the Jubjub bird”

~~ Lewis Carroll ~~

cork

Cork, Ireland

Hajime…. While the funk in which my mind has spent the last days dwelling is lessened, I’m still not in the best of moods. There are signs I’m on a productive path, so, patience is the order of the day. Yesterday’s Pearl proved, once again, how critical the completion of this chosen duty has become to my state of mind; it literally saved me from a full day of bullshit. Since today’s Pearl will serve the same purpose, I’d best get started putting it together, before I lose either my impetus, or my fragile hold on reality….

My introspection seems finally to be approaching a degree of resolution, in the sense I am now convinced of where I’ve been going wrong in my agenda, and how to proceed. If one wishes to get somewhere, it’s a good thing to know where one wishes to go; what I’ve discovered in myself the last few days (hours) will help me keep that in focus. I cannot say, at this point, whether my chances are good, or not so much, but, at this point, I don’t care, & it won’t matter anyway. Saying isn’t doing, is it? Nope. At this point, all I’m doing is typing….

I’m getting a bit silly, as well as losing the thread, so, we’ll just give up trying to bring any real coherence into this intro, & get on with the rest of what needs to be done. I’m pretty sure coherence isn’t in the picture, anyway, so there’s no point going overboard trying to find any; I don’t feel like swimming. Instead, we’ll just go on, as if we actually had a plan, and were working on the list to get it done. Go figure, eh? Let’s pretend we are, and do this…

Shall we pearl?….

“When they turn the pages of history
When these days have passed long ago,
Will they read of us with sadness
For the seeds that we let grow?”

~~ Rush, A Farewell to Kings ~~

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hot tuna

Aged Hot Tuna

Image from www.bobyehling.wordpress.com via Google Images

I’m in the mood for some old style rock & roll, so here’s a classic rock band, whose members still perform together, and whose music helped define rock and roll. Enjoy, ffolkes; these guys keep getting better….

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Hot Tuna
Live in 2015

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Dont keep calm

Naked Pearls

Thoughts on modern living….

*******

“Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.”

~~ Martin Luther King, Jr. ~~

*******

“God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent-
it says so right here on the label.
If you have a mind capable of believing
all three of these divine attributes simultaneously,
I have a wonderful bargain for you.
No checks, please. Cash, and in small bills.”

~~ Lazarus Long ~~

*******

“No people do so much harm as those who go about doing good.”

~~ Mandell Creighton (1843-1901) ~~

*******

“The truth is that Christian theology, like every other theology,
is not only opposed to the scientific spirit;
it is also opposed to all other attempts at rational thinking.
Not by accident does Genesis 3 make the father of knowledge a serpent
– slimy, sneaking and abominable.
Since the earliest days the church as an organization
has thrown itself violently against every effort
to liberate the body and mind of man.
It has been, at all times and everywhere,
the habitual and incorrigible defender of bad governments,
bad laws, bad social theories, bad institutions.
It was, for centuries, an apologist for slavery,
as it was the apologist for the divine right of kings.”

~~ H. L. Mencken ~~

*******

“In our society, sometimes you have to penalize (innocent) people
for the good of everybody else.”

~~ A Pittsburgh Cop 10/16/93 ~~

*******

“Anybody who wants religion is welcome to it, as far as I’m concerned
— I support your right to enjoy it.
However, I would appreciate it if you exhibited more respect
for the rights of those people who do not wish to share
your dogma, rapture or necrodestination.

~~ Frank Zappa, “The Real Frank Zappa Book” ~~

*******

“Every man’s life, liberty, and property are in danger
when the Legislature is in session.”

~~ Gideon J. Tucker ~~

*******

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Comedy_Tragedy

Dreaming of Calliope

La belle dame sans merci speaks aloud through endless night,
torturing dreams, with powerful words and stentorian phrases.
Manifest visions bathed in unbearable grace and light,
destroying all direction, standing lost, in unfathomable mazes.

Fate plays a part, one that will never face denial,
as fear and courage eternally vie for ascendancy.
Conflict becomes valid, gifting strength in open trial,
but honest emotion wears no costume so fancy.

Blood, sweat, and tears stroll on avenues of gold,
unlikely heroines heralding as in ancient lore;
Sharp, competent knives cut through tales untold,
eternally shifting reality past the naked shore.

Drifting toward origin, bereft of mandate or cause,
finished, nay, abandoned, tied with a figurative bow.
No simple gift from muses to give comfort or pause,
save that all we need to know, we already know…..

~~ gigoid ~~

12/13/12

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pearls_3

Five Naked Pearls

The Path taken is irrelevant…

*****

“Before enlightenment, one carries water and chops wood.
After enlightenment, one carries water and chops wood.”

~~ Zen Proverb ~~

*****

“A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears:”

~~ Montaigne ~~

*****

“And though the course may change sometimes,
Rivers always reach the sea.”

~~ Led Zeppelin, Ten Years Gone ~~

*****

“One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.”

~~ Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spake Zarathustra ~~

*****

“May you live all the days of your life.”

Jonathan Swift — Polite Conversation, Dialogue ii ~~

*****

********************************

Damn! That was rather a surprisingly difficult Pearl to create. SB decided to go on strike when I was nearly finished, which added a lot of time; so much so, I ended up with a five-star pearl at the end, rather than our customary seven to nine stars…. Oh, well. It’s done, so, regardless of anything else, we’ll take it, and run. I hear the starting/stopping gun now, so, let’s do that. See y’all tomorrow, ffolkes; on that you may depend….

Y’all take care out there,
and May the Metaphorse be with you;
Blessed Be, dearest Carole, Mark,Theresa, & Richy
and everyone else, too…

When I works, I works hard.
When I sits, I sits loose.
When I thinks, I falls asleep.

Which is Why….

Sometimes I sits and thinks,
and sometimes,
I just sits.

gigoid, the dubious

The *only* duly authorized Computer Curmudgeon.

PLEASE STOP READING THIS MESSAGE NOW.

“SCRAM!!!!!!!!!!”- Oscar the Grouch

Kowabunga!

À bientôt, mon cherí….

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Abrupt motions of cryptic intent….

Ffolkes,

“If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold,
it would be a merrier world.”

~~ J.R.R. Tolkien ~~

belfast building

Random Government Building, Belfast, Ireland

Hajime…. The Pearl you’ll see today is a rush job, the natural result of being incredibly late in starting today. Since the reason has to do with the amount of sleep I got, (for a change, plenty), my only response is to feel the rush, without the urgency, because, hey, sleep, right? I could have arisen at a usual hour (3 or 4 AM), but, was able to turn over and sleep until I was done, an event of major proportion around here. Yay for me, and now we’re done with the excuses.

I’ll warn y’all now; I have no idea what will happen below. I’ve got zilch finished, so, it will all be the quickest work I can devise, whether from the archives, or, forced out of SB with no mercy. I’ll use the whip, if necessary, but, it WILL get done. So be it. To assist with this goal, the intro will be as truncated as I can make it. How truncated will it be? Just this much….

Shall we Pearl?….

“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane
by those who could not hear the music.”

~~ Friedrich Nietzsche ~~

********************************

royalty-free-clip-art-vector-logos-of-black-and-orange-floral-acoustic-guitars-by-seamartini-graphics-6573

You guessed it. We’re going default for music, just because we can. I’ll pick one with a nice picture, and be done with it. Abondanza!….

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Classical Music

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https://youtu.be/tAkHdB77u2c

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Sandclock .jpg

As intimated in the intro so strongly, we’re hitting the archives again today for our ranting material. I don’t know yet what kind it will be, but, we’ll try for a bit of either humor, or snark. Let’s see what we can find today….

From 2/24/2013:

“Virtue is more to be feared than vice, because its excesses are not subject to the regulation of conscience.” — Adam Smith

This is so true, I want to shout it out from the rooftops…. It is the kind of insight that leads to jokes like “Lord, protect me from the works of thy followers.” which are so prevalent in our society. We’ve all witnessed the excesses of fanaticism at times, and, I’m sure, have suffered indignity of some sort at their hands at some point in our lives. Nobody escapes it, as such fanaticism is like having roaches; they are impossible to completely eradicate. Of course, there are methods of killing roaches that are foolproof (placing them in a complete vacuum, for example), but it means killing off the entire species , and the rest of us would doubtless find objections to that scenario…..

“It is hard to be brave, when you’re only a Very Small Animal.” — Piglet, Pooh’s Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne

These simple minded fools who become fanatics, whether it is over their country, their religion, their race, or their collection of plastic flamingos, all suffer from the same lack of courage as Piglet describes here. In their case, it isn’t because they lack the ability to be “larger”, like Piglet, but because their minds see themselves as “small”, in relation to all they don’t understand, and this gives them the same sense of constant fearfulness that comes with never knowing when some larger creature will notice you, and eat you, or not notice you, and crush you under foot, with careless indifference….

“Again, our observations of the stars make it evident, not only that the earth is circular, but also that it is a circle of no great size. For quite a small change of position to south or north causes a manifest alteration of the horizon. There is much change, I mean, in the stars which are overhead, and the stars seen are different, as one moves northward or southward. …All of which goes to show not only that the earth is circular in shape, but that it is a sphere of no great size: for otherwise the effect of so slight a change of place would not be so quickly apparent. Hence, one should not be too sure of the incredibility of the view of those who conceive that there is a continuity between the parts about the pillars of Hercules [the strait of Gibraltar] and the parts about India, and that in this way the ocean is one.” — Aristotle, De Caelo, Fourth Century B.C.

As a consequence of all that fear, most of the folks who assume fanatical stances refuse to see, or perceive, as much as they possibly can, and this includes reading, or watching, or listening to things that challenge the truth of what they have chosen to believe. The things they DO choose to believe never challenge them to think, or to go outside their comfort zone in any way; any such suggestion is viewed with anger, mistrust, and fearful rejection, no matter how nonthreatening it may be to normals…. If it doesn’t fit into their narrow little view of things, it is evil, and not to be trusted, in their minds, or what passes for one….

As the quote from Aristotle shows, mankind’s knowledge of the natural world has grown beyond the guesses and speculation that are rampant in the ancient writings about religion, and, thankfully, most of the world is able to understand, and accept the facts in question. It is only those whose fear of the universe is such that they cling to outdated, misguided systems of belief that, though they offer comfort to their preconceptions and misapprehensions, have nothing to do with the real world on any level. And, damned if they don’t get upset, and violent, when those misapprehensions are challenged in any way!…. Idiots….

Sorry, I get disgusted sometimes, especially when I think about those assholes who encourage the idiots, i.e., the priests, preachers, and other members of the priestly hierarchies…. I regard them as the WORST of humanity, in complete lock-step and purpose with that other group of reprehensible semi-humans, the BRC, or 1%, as they’re known these days in the news. The entire purpose of the religious institutions on this planet is to provide behavioral control of the population to the ruling classes, under the guise of religion, by manipulating the masses of believers into following whatever dictates the ones in power may come up with, in order to receive their heavenly rewards…. I swear, it’s the biggest, longest running scam in history….

I’ve already gone a bit overboard here, and really haven’t begun to roll with my indictment/rant yet. Since this is the last pearl for today, I’ll stop here, and just say this…. There are a lot of really stupid people on this planet, as well as a great many good, intelligent, compassionate ffolkes…. but, the money, and the power, reside with a very small number, with representatives from both groups, and as far as I can see, most of them are bat shit crazy, in the sense that they don’t care at all about any of the rest of humanity, as long as they get theirs….. We, the intelligentsia, are perhaps the only hope left to the world before it is too late…. Only if enough of us rise up and throw their sorry asses into the pits will we have a chance of seeing another millennium on our calendar…. THAT is a fact, not a guess; the evidence is there for anyone to see….

So, wake up, ffolkes, and folks, because the day is coming when you will wish you had listened to people like me…..

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Comedy_Tragedy

This poem is either the first, or second poem I wrote in 2012, after a 35 year hiatus from writing any at all. I hope you enjoy it….

A Failure to Germinate

Marking the days in elements of sad disarray
only holds me thrall, as I laugh while I may.
With cold, hard hands so impatient and cruel
pulling me to this vale of tears, a pathetic old fool.

Feelings sit silent, cast in shadows and light
breaking forth to implicate such vengeful might.
Just below the surface they patiently hide
to sally forth bravely, colors bright as they ride.

Tears and pain transform valued assets in hand
while comfort and serenity retreat to a far land.
Bold, bright patterns of hope garnish my ruinous state
until reality enters, full of disdainful portions of hate.

I sort out the illustrious measures of vision gone mild
only to find them transformed, now vicious and wild.
In my deepest desires I find myself calloused and cold
with faithless advocates whose souls have been sold.

My search finds little to support any hope of relief
far too much time has passed to bolster such belief.
The sad becomes real, and real becomes unfounded
until flights of such fancy are all dead, and grounded.

Nature has informed me of the newly hatched crime
of which reality boasted proudly, time after time.
The last answer we think of is always the best
as we come to terms with fate, our hope at rest.

~~ gigoid ~~

9/27/2012

********************************

About Hopi Indian Symbols

Naturally, Smart Bee goes on strike, just when I need it most. Go figure. Fortunately, for me, I’ve got archives, and a lot of ’em, to boot. Here’s one now….

From 2/23/2013:

“I represent a sardine!!” — Zippy the Pinhead

At this point, after reading that line, you might just be wondering if I’ve slipped my leash again…. and, you’d be justified in that thought. However, rest assured, I’m perfectly sane, if somewhat metaphorically, so it’s all good, right? Right…..

Now, such a bald statement from our old pal is liable to make one think at first that he is either kidding (not bloody likely….), or he is currently having hallucinatory delusions of being a seafood lawyer, or fish solicitor, as my British friends would say. While both of those are possible scenarios, similar in nature to Zippy’s previous episodes of verbal gymnastics, neither is correct in this instance, as I happen to know that he is teaching a lesson in metaphorical manipulation, or, as it is commonly known, lying his ass off, to keep you preoccupied while he is doing something else he doesn’t want you to see, or know about…. He’s tricky that way….

I suppose he might be trying to tell us he is a theatrical/literary agent of some sort, and has a sardine who a) has written the next best seller, entitled “The Truth About Tuna”, an exposé of the fishing industry, b) has a voice like Pavarotti, c) juggles three seahorses while riding a motorized wheelchair, or d) paints incredibly lifelike pictures of cruise ships, from an underwater view…. He might, if that is what he meant, but, it isn’t…. It is all just a distraction, a hullabaloo to draw your attention away from his real purpose, which has to do with several cases of motor oil, a rag-time band, two Senators, and a motel out on Route 666….. You really don’t want to know, now, do you?

No, really, ffolkes, I had a reason to show Zippy’s little gem off today, and it was really a good one…. So, it’s really too bad that, by the time I finished with the second paragraph above, I completely lost track of whatever it was I had to say about it….. That, of course, is embarrassing, but not as much as having to turn tail, right in the middle of a pearl, or what SHOULD have been a pearl, and go old school, just to save my ass from complete well, asininity (what else?….)….

So, here is what Smart Bee came up with, and taken together, the pearls all DO have a point…. just don’t ask me what it is, because even if I knew, I don’t think I can be trusted today to say it correctly, or even interpret it accurately…. So, you’re kind of on your own…. Don’t worry, they’re all safe, just pointed a little….Enjoy!….

“Look under enough rocks and you’ll find _something_ slimy” — Smart Bee

“And gentle Dulness ever loves a joke.” — Alexander Pope (1688-1744) — The Dunciad, Book ii, Line 34

“Don’t edit reality for the sake of simplicity.” — Smart Bee

“No people do so much harm as those who go about doing good.” — Mandell Creighton

“A thief believes everybody steals.” — E.W. Howe

“I have a feeling that at any time about three million Americans can be had for any militant reaction against law, decency, the Constitution, the Supreme Court, compassion and the rule of reason.” — John Kenneth Galbraith

“My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.” — George Bernard Shaw

Well, there you have it, such as it is…. Ta then, luvs…..

********************************

Having managed to hit the golden mean for today, I’m going to be as succinct as I can here at the end. It may be the quickest Pearl ever created, but, it’s not bad, considering. I’m going to trust the process again, & go get it posted before I lose my nerve. Y’all have a good one, ffolkes; I’ll be back tomorrow, hopefully with some fresher material. You may count on two things; one, I’ll be here; two, I’ll be here…. Sounds solid to me….

Y’all take care out there,
and May the Metaphorse be with you;
Blessed Be, dearest Carole, Mark,Theresa, & Richy
and everyone else, too…

When I works, I works hard.
When I sits, I sits loose.
When I thinks, I falls asleep.

Which is Why….

Sometimes I sits and thinks,
and sometimes,
I just sits.

gigoid, the dubious

The *only* duly authorized Computer Curmudgeon.

PLEASE STOP READING THIS MESSAGE NOW.

“SCRAM!!!!!!!!!!”- Oscar the Grouch

Featured Image -- 8118

À bientôt, mon cherí….

Boiled mutton in a plastic bag….

Ffolkes,

“Ask of friends only what is honorable.”

~~ Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 B.C.) ~~

SpazosaurusBryMneqCMAARiIX.jpg large

Spazosaurus

Image stolen from The Onion

http://www.theonion.com/article/fossilized-evidence-reveals-spazosaurus-was-larges-33020


Good morning…. The recent use of silence as an intro has worked quite well; let’s continue with the efficiency we’re coming to enjoy….

Shall we Pearl?

“Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly.  Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate, or despise, serves to defeat us in the end.  What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind.  Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.” — Henry Miller

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persuasions2

The Persuasions

Image from thebluegrassspecial.com via Google Images


A capella music, to me, is the epitome of performance art by humans, in the respect that nothing else but the human voice is required to produce the effects of almost any instrument, or sound produced by nature…. Mimicry in is most essential form…. Simplicity is beauty, I think, and it doesn’t get any simpler, or more beautiful than five vocal artists, harmonizing…. Enjoy, ffolkes….


***********************

The Persuasions

***********************

***********************

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A-laughing-girl-and-her-camel

    Okay, so, it’s clear (to me) I don’t have the angst, the anger, or, the wherewithal, at all, to rant. I don’t like to go so long without taking a shot or two at our Beloved Ruling Class or any of the other Asininnies, but, hey, ya gotta do what ya gotta do, right? Right…. Here is a discussion, of sorts, from a couple years back, to pass the time…. Enjoy!….

From 2/23/2013:

“I represent a sardine!!” — Zippy the Pinhead

At this point, after reading that line, you might just be wondering if I’ve slipped my leash again…. and, you’d be justified in that thought. However, rest assured, I’m perfectly sane, if somewhat metaphorically, so it’s all good, right? Right…..

Now, such a bald statement from our old pal is liable to make one think at first that he is either kidding (not bloody likely….), or he is currently having hallucinatory delusions of being a seafood lawyer, or fish solicitor, as my British friends would say. While both of those are possible scenarios, similar in nature to Zippy’s previous episodes of verbal gymnastics, neither is correct in this instance, as I happen to know that he is teaching a lesson in metaphorical manipulation, or, as it is commonly known, lying his ass off, to keep you preoccupied while he is doing something else he doesn’t want you to see, or know about…. He’s tricky that way….

I suppose he might be trying to tell us he is a theatrical/literary agent of some sort, and has a sardine who a) has written the next best seller, entitled “The Truth About Tuna”,  an exposé of the fishing industry, b) has a voice like Pavarotti, c) juggles three seahorses while riding a motorized wheelchair, or d) paints incredibly lifelike pictures of cruise ships, from an underwater view…. He might, if that is what he meant, but, it isn’t…. It is all just a distraction, a hullabaloo to draw your attention away from his real purpose, which has to do with several cases of motor oil, a rag-time band, two Senators, and a motel out on Route 666….. You really don’t want to know, now, do you?

No, really, ffolkes, I had a reason to show Zippy’s little gem off today, and it was really a good one…. So, it’s really too bad that, by the time I finished with the second paragraph above, I completely lost track of whatever it was I had to say about it….. That, of course, is embarrassing, but not as much as having to turn tail, right in the middle of a pearl, or what SHOULD have been a pearl, and go old school, just to save my ass from complete well, asininity (what else?….)….

So, here is what Smart Bee came up with, and taken together, the pearls all DO have a point…. just don’t ask me what it is, because even if I knew, I don’t think I can be trusted today to say it correctly, or even interpret it accurately…. So, you’re kind of on your own…. Don’t worry, they’re all safe, just pointed a little….Enjoy!….

“Look under enough rocks and you’ll find _something_ slimy” — Smart Bee

“And gentle Dulness ever loves a joke.” — Alexander Pope (1688-1744) — The Dunciad, Book ii, Line 34

“Don’t edit reality for the sake of simplicity.” — Smart Bee

“No people do so much harm as those who go about doing good.” — Mandell Creighton (1843-1901)

“A thief believes everybody steals.” — E.W. Howe

“I have a feeling that at any time about three million Americans can be had for any militant reaction against law, decency, the Constitution, the Supreme Court, compassion and the rule of reason.” — John Kenneth Galbraith

“My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.” — George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Well, there you have it, such as it is…. Ta then, luvs…..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comedy_Tragedy

    Thanks to the intransigence of modern HMO’s, my life of late has been filled with new levels of pain…. Here’s a poem I wrote back in 2012, during a time much like now…. It’s not, perhaps, my best, but, it’s honest…

Denial of Comfort

Baleful chairs become the enemy, heralded in red
seemingly welcome softness beckons with a smile,
waiting, content with slaughter, they are finally led
screaming in agony, deluged in venom all the while.

Desperate distraction becomes such a friendless fire
for all the patterns of autumn’s pale dismay,
leaving sincerely latent trails in spirals of twisted wire,
while memory insists, again, upon failure, palpably evil, and fey.

Fat, jaded tears would have fallen in good time,
if only the suitable suitor had scaled the garden’s wall.
Credence for discounted prices luckily in their prime
bring only fascinated eyes into such a hallowed hall.

Searching for answers is ever a clever portrayal
with studious accouterments to fulfill each common rule.
Arguably patient pictures of science and honest betrayal
shall evermore languish, in light of passion so elegantly cruel.

~~ gigoid ~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

About Hopi Indian Symbols

    An odd little pearl, but, with some valuable ideas, about life, to share with our Gentle Readers….

“The mind has exactly the same power as the hands: not merely to grasp the world, but to change it.” — Colin Wilson

“Belief gets in the way of learning.” — Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love

“Belief in the supernatural reflects a failure of the imagination.” — Edward Abbey

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.” — Mark Twain (1835-1910)

“Common sense is not so common.” — Voltaire

“The stupid are deaf to the truth; they hear, but  think that the wisdom applies to someone else.” — Heraclitus (540?-480? B.C.)

“In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain.” — Pliny the Elder

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, that’s enough; I’ll cease the torture, of both of us…. It’s done, and that’s the best I can say today…. See y’all tomorrow, ffolkes; after this one, it’s good to know I get another chance….

Y’all take care out there,
and May the Metaphorse be with you;
Blessed Be, dearest Carole, Mark,Theresa, & Richy
and everyone else, too…

When I works, I works hard.
When I sits, I sits loose.
When I thinks, I falls asleep.

Which is Why….

Sometimes I sits and thinks,
   and sometimes,
I just sits.

gigoid, the dubious

PLEASE STOP READING THIS MESSAGE NOW.

“SCRAM!!!!!!!!!!”- Oscar the Grouch

Featured Image -- 4217


À bientôt, mon cherí….


					

Scintillating displays of lug nut fasteners….

Ffolkes,
Have you ever seen one of those silly little toy poodles, or a cockapoo, for heaven’s sake, trying to mate with a big dog? No? Hmm, me neither. Oh well, I was going to ask you a question, but, since you’ve never seen it,… Never mind….

Don’t ask, you DEFINITELY don’t want to know…. In fact, forget the above paragraph even exists…. I beg of you. If word of stuff like that gets out, I could lose my writer’s hack license….. then how would I eat? Oh, wait, it doesn’t pay me anything to write….. Well, never mind that, too….

Let’s hope third time is a charm…. We’ll try this…. Good morning! It looks to be another nice day here in California, and we’re all looking forward to the local flea and farmer’s market (or is that farmer’s flea market?…) at the center of the downtown area later today. There’s word there may be clowns…. so, keep the children and women at home, come on down, and take a few shots yourself! They allow the use of live ammo, and no penalties for collateral damages to local business, even if a clown crashes through their display window while trying to get away….

You don’t mean to tell me your town doesn’t have clown shoots? Hell, we’ve been holding them here every week for years, and the state government hasn’t ever bothered us about permits or anything. We have a direct line to the Barnum & Bailey winter HQ, where they’re happy to provide us with a number of their most nimble specimens each week, as they tend to breed like, well, clowns, when they’re in winter quarters, and they always have more lying around than they need themselves. It works out well for everyone, even the clowns, as they are fed & kept warm right up until they’re released for the shooting events….. Why, they even provide them lazy suckers with free noses!…..

Okay, my whimsy button got stuck, sorry…. I couldn’t seem to come up with anything remotely interesting to start with, so I just let my whimsy out, intending to allow it a few moments to play…. but it got stuck on some dried up Peanut Butter, and threatened to go on for quite a few paragraphs…. which COULD have been disastrous, given the tendency clowns have of getting into EVERYTHING while looking for spare jokes or hand-shake buzzers. It’s all good now, though; I think I’ve got them back in the bottle. I was afraid there for a moment, but, it worked out okay…. Nobody got squirted, did they? Good, there were more lapel flowers in that herd than was safe….

Now that I am thoroughly ashamed of myself, I will try to find the proper attitude of atonement, so the rest of this Pearl doesn’t crash and burn…. I’ve obviously pissed of the gods of literature, and must be punished. I’ll go abase myself at the altar of Smart Bee, and see if that doesn’t appease them at least a little…. I don’t know, they’re a tough room…. Oh well, little choice now…. Shall we Pearl?…..
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Smart Bee is a very interesting piece of software… a database of over a hundred thousand quotes, poems, excerpts from historical documents, entries from the Devil’s Dictionary, and numerous other fascinating bits of information. In addition to the quotes, aphorisms, and proverbs that provide me with subject matter for rants and/or discussions, it also provides me with items such as the following useful paragraph. I offer it here, to my fellow authors, as a resource for a phrase that all of us tend to use on occasion, especially those of us who write about politics or religion in modern society, or in history….. it’s quite valuable in that regard, as it gives us a large group of words from which to draw what we need for our purpose…. To wit:

“This “brain-damaged” epithet is getting sorely overworked.  When we can speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled; batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented, deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts, Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong;  senseless, spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked;  {beef, beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numbskulled, pinhead;  asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple;  brute, lumbering, oafish; half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon, individually and in combination, isn’t it a little <fill in the blank> to be limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?” — Smart Bee

See? Now, isn’t that just perfect? Now, when you’re looking for just the right adjective to apply to some random Congressman, or Senator, or Popish sort, and you’re tired of all the ones you’ve been used to using, here is a list that will thrill the heart of any true curmudgeon. I mean, look at it! Complete, creative, and chock full of straight talk about the folks we love to hate.

What isn’t readily apparent is the versatility of this list….. Grab yourself a thesaurus (Roget’s will do….) and you’ve got an even larger universe of words from which to choose, as you can take each of those above, and plug them into the book of synonyms for an expanded list for your use. Handy, eh? And so affordable….

So, in the spirit of public giving, I hope you enjoy this little gift from gigoid, and Smart Bee, and find it to be as useful as I do…. It’s just about as good as using Shakespeare’s insults, which have been compiled in a document worthy of reproducing here…. I found this recently, though I first saw it many years ago, on a WordPress site… THE LITERARY MAN ( http://literaryman.com ), one of the blogs I follow, and had to save it for my own use…. It’s also a valuable resource for anyone who wishes to put someone down in a classic, erudite fashion…. Use it as you will….

Will's best insults__________________________________

À Bas Ben Adhem

My fellow man I do not care for.
I often ask me, What’s he there for?
The only answer I can find
Is, Reproduction of his kind.
If I’m supposed to swallow that,
Winnetka is my habitat.
Isn’t it time to carve Hic Jacet
Above that Reproduction racket?

To make the matter more succinct:
Suppose my fellow man extinct.
Why, who would not approve the plan
Save possibly my fellow man?
Yet with a politician’s voice
He names himself as Nature’s choice.

The finest of the human race
Are bad in figure, worse in face.
Yet just because they have two legs
And come from storks instead of eggs
They count the spacious firmament
As something to be charged and sent.

Though man created cross-town traffic,
The Daily Mirror, News and Graphic,
The pastoral fight and fighting pastor,
And Queen Marie and Lady Astor,
He hails himself with drum and fife
And bullies lower forms of life.

Not that I think much depends
On how we treat our feathered friends,
Or hold the wrinkled elephant
A nobler creature than my aunt.
It’s simply that I’m sure I can
Get on without my fellow man.

~~ Ogden Nash
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“I represent a sardine!!” — Zippy the Pinhead

At this point, after reading that line, you might just be wondering if I’ve slipped my leash again…. and, you’d be justified in that thought. However, rest assured, I’m perfectly sane, if somewhat metaphorically, so it’s all good, right? Right…..

Now, such a bald statement from our old pal is liable to make one think at first that he is either kidding (not bloody likely….), or he is currently having hallucinatory delusions of being a seafood lawyer, or fish solicitor, as my British friends would say. While both of those are possible scenarios, similar in nature to Zippy’s previous episodes of verbal gymnastics, neither is correct in this instance, as I happen to know that he is teaching a lesson in metaphorical manipulation, or, as it is commonly known, lying his ass off, to keep you preoccupied while he is doing something else he doesn’t want you to see, or know about…. He’s tricky that way….

I suppose he might be trying to tell us he is a theatrical/literary agent of some sort, and has a sardine who a) has written the next best seller, entitled “The Truth About Tuna”,  an exposé of the fishing industry, b) has a voice like Pavarotti, c) juggles three seahorses while riding a motorized wheelchair, or d) paints incredibly lifelike pictures of cruise ships, from an underwater view…. He might, if that is what he meant, but, it isn’t…. It is all just a distraction, a hullabaloo to draw your attention away from his real purpose, which has to do with several cases of motor oil, a rag-time band, two Senators, and a motel out on Route 666….. You really don’t want to know, now, do you?

No, really, ffolkes, I had a reason to show Zippy’s little gem off today, and it was really a good one…. So, it’s really too bad that, by the time I finished with the second paragraph above, I completely lost track of whatever it was I had to say about it….. That, of course, is embarrassing, but not as much as having to turn tail, right in the middle of a pearl, or what SHOULD have been a pearl, and go old school, just to save my ass from complete well, asininity (what else?….)….

So, here is what Smart Bee came up with, and taken together, the pearls all DO have a point…. just don’t ask me what it is, because even if I knew, I don’t think I can be trusted today to say it correctly, or even interpret it accurately…. So, you’re kind of on your own…. Don’t worry, they’re all safe, just pointed a little….Enjoy!….

“Look under enough rocks and you’ll find _something_ slimy” — Smart Bee

“And gentle Dulness ever loves a joke.” — Alexander Pope (1688-1744) — The Dunciad, Book ii, Line 34

“Don’t edit reality for the sake of simplicity.” — Smart Bee

“No people do so much harm as those who go about doing good.” — Mandell Creighton (1843-1901)

“A thief believes everybody steals.” — E.W. Howe

“I have a feeling that at any time about three million Americans can be had for any militant reaction against law, decency, the Constitution, the Supreme Court, compassion and the rule of reason.” — John Kenneth Galbraith

“My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.” — George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Well, there you have it, such as it is…. Ta then, luvs…..
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I’m a bit hesitant to go back over this, but, here goes….. Well…. I seem to have been determined to keep things light today; it’s all covered with a thin coating of insane hilarity, that never quite breaks through into genuine hysteria, but indubitably hovers on the edge of falling over into pathetic silliness. I guess I had to shrug off the heaviness picked up over the last couple of days of processing stress….. Ain’t Life Grand!…..

If nothing else, it might provide y’all with a smile or two, or maybe even a chuckle…. I don’t think you need to worry, though…. I didn’t see anything that should make you blow milk or tea out through your nose from guffawing…. We always have a medical professional on call; they can be here in mere seconds, so no worries, mates….  Y’all take care out there, and May the Metaphorse be with you…..


Sometimes I sits and thinks,
and sometimes
I just sits.

gigoiddozer3