~~ G. K. Chesterton ~~
— Illustrated London News, 9-30-33 —
Upon opening my eyes, my first thought, appropriately enough, was, “Wow. It isn’t every day you wake up to a large, scaly, bright green gecko sitting in a chair by your window!” Then, I thought “Uh oh…. he looks pretty pissed.” So, naturally, I said, “Did you bribe the damn concierge again?”, thinking to put him at an immediate disadvantage by accusing him before he could say anything….
I should have known it wouldn’t work; not with THIS gecko…. “Why should I do that, when I can just pick the lock?”, he noted with what passed for an eyebrow raised high enough, it almost disappeared over the dome of his forehead; fortunately, this, I knew, indicated he was pissed, but, still amused by me…. I decided to work that, instead, so, I countered, “Some would consider it a faux pas to pick the lock on the hotel room of a sleeping guest, you know.” “I don’t speak French,” he noted, then, grinned evilly. “But, I know some French geckos…. they’re dead now…..”
Okay, that’s enough of that…. It’s way too early for so many bad jokes at one sitting… I don’t know what prompted ANY of that. When I sat down to type, I noted my right thumb, besides being about twice or three times as stiff as usual, with a concomitant degree of pain as a bonus, was actually a good 10-15% bigger than my left thumb, which is sort of cool, as it balances out the loss of function, and increased arthritic pain in the left hip and shoulder….
So, any who, all that, annoying as it is, coming so early, isn’t really the problem… the problem is trying to find words that are composed of, oh, I’d say about 65%, of letters from the left side of my QWERTY keyboard, so I could balance out the typing, giving the right hand a little less work, thus, able to last longer…. If you think it’s easy, you try it…. I’ve been at this for, what, two and half paragraphs, and I’m exhausted…. Sheesh…
Most of the words we have in English, flexible as it is about spellings and meanings, are composed of a relatively even balance of letters (the actual percentages of use for each one, you will find, closely resemble those percentages used by a set of Scrabble letters; the relative scores for each letter are based on those percentages….). Finding those with an unbalanced distribution isn’t as easy as it may sound, believe me…. It’s a lot like trying to get toothpaste back into the tube after it’s out…. not in what is done, but, in how frigging frustrating it can be…
Okay, so, what do you think? Have I crammed enough odd shit into one intro for one day? Have I offended anybody? Have you laughed, cried, or shaken your head in either disgust, or disbelief? Were you afraid of the gecko? If not, why not? Have you picked your nose? These are the things that I need to know, if I’m to come anywhere near to how today’s post should end up, wherever that may be….. Okay, well, you can keep what you’re doing with your nose to yourself….
It’s not as if we need any actual maps, but, any metadata at all can help us to find the quickest, if not the simplest, path to our goal…. Of course, I realize, it might be of some help if I would make some attempt to come even a little closer to Reality to some degree…. I’ve been a good distance away from it all morning, thus far….. and, actually, I’m quite proud of that….
I mean, here I am, sitting here, almost completely able to ignore a level of pain most folks, even some ffolkes, would be unable to tolerate at all, and, still able to type, albeit with some strain, and a rise in BP that goes with such stress…. I know, it’s bogus, but, whattyagonnado when it’s age-related? Get younger? Not happening, so, I just push through it the best I can…. which, at the present moment, is about to come to a crashing halt, so the feeling in my left hand can come back to normal…. Fun, eh?….
Okay, we’re good to go, for the time being…. thank goodness for magic cream! That being the case, I think this intro couldn’t possibly take any more, so, we’ll let it die a relatively peaceful death, and get on with the rest of this mess, with a small alteration in the plans, made necessary by ARPID. (Nothing to do with the Association of Retired Persons, except peripherally, in that both are annoying, and both age related….) ARPID is, of course, Age Related Physical Issues, Dammit….. If I go any further into that, we’d be entering TMI territory, so, we’ll just leave it at that….
Shall we Pearl?
“He is nearest to the gods who knows how to be silent.” — Marcus Porcius Cato (234-149 BC), attributed
Oops…. good thing I’m not religious at all, isn’t it?…..
Why are many scientists using lawyers for medical experiments instead of rats?
a) There are more lawyers than rats.
b) The scientist’s don’t become as emotionally attached to them.
c) There are some things that even rats won’t do for money.
— Smart Bee
I am compelled to confess, in my life, I have actually met two people, who were/are both lawyers, for whom I do have a significant degree of respect and affection. Of course, one of them I met while still in law school, and his own sense of honor and self-worth caused him years of discomfort until he gave it up to teach…
The other one is, quite simply, a shark, who found a sublimation for his less than stellar urges, by using his predatory instincts, and ruthlessness, to help people injured while working, to get the services and help they need to continue to live, and support their families, in spite of not being able to work, potentially for the rest of their lives….
As far as I can tell, two, out of the hundreds I’ve met over the years, is a fairly accurate representation of the actual percentage of lawyers who have even a shred of compassion for others, or perform the work they do out of a sense of altruism or common feeling…. The majority of them, by far, are predatory, ambitious, avaricious, convinced of their own superiority, (most often, without any evidence for any such belief….), and, far too often, completely amoral…. which is why so fucking many of them ultimately end up as politicians…. For the greater percentage of those I’ve met, or heard of, their primary motivation is either money, or power (control over others….)….
Those qualities, when paired with politics, are a match made in heaven, as the function of government lends itself perfectly to the type of person who NEEDS to control others. Whether they do so primarily for the power, or for the money, is immaterial to the final result, which gives them the means to fulfill their compulsion to steal, and cheat, and perform ANY act, if it furthers their agenda…. without the need to use a device such as “billable hours” to cover their theft…. Taxes work fine for that….
“How can you tell the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead snake on the road? There are skid marks leading up to the snake.” — a joke I heard in high school, in 1966, or so….
I started this rant yesterday, in reaction to the shock I felt on coming across the opening salvo from Smart Bee…. and, now, this morning, find myself unable to finish it properly, as I can’t type too well just now…. So, we’ll go into SB, to find the makings for a pearl that will provide me with sufficient sublimation of my need to express outrage at a section of society, one that well deserves any abuse we heap upon it….
How else to explain the sheer ubiquitousness of lawyer jokes in our culture, or their historical presence for so long? A new one springs up each day, it seems, in response to all the pain and misery in society, for which the actions of lawyers bear responsibility…. Let’s see if we can find some sharp sticks to poke them with, okay?…..
“Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?” — Zippy the Pinhead
“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” — Eric Hoffer, THE PASSIONATE STATE OF MIND (1955)
And the Lord said, “Thou shalt not leave hairs unsplit.” — Holy Bible, Clarence Darrow version
“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” — Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See
“Conceit is to nature what paint is to beauty; it is not only needless, but impairs what it would improve.” — Pope
“When one is pretending, the entire body revolts.” — Anais Nin
(Aha! Now we know why so many lawyers have that sallow, pasty look, like they never get outside to play….)
“If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!” — Zippy the Pinhead
I always know when Smart Bee is having fun with a pearl; it starts and ends with an appropriate note from Zippy…. I don’t know about y’all, but, I enjoyed that….. and, it didn’t generate a single billable hour!…. Bonus!
This poem has been one of my favorites, of its type, for all the years since I first read it, long before starting this blog….
First posted on 9/4/2012:
we had goldfish and they circled around and around
in the bowl on the table near the heavy drapes
covering the picture window and
my mother, always smiling, wanting us all
to be happy, told me, ‘be happy Henry!’
and she was right: it’s better to be happy if you
but my father continued to beat her and me several times a week while
raging inside his 6-foot-two frame because he couldn’t
understand what was attacking him from within.
my mother, poor fish,
wanting to be happy, beaten two or three times a
week, telling me to be happy: ‘Henry, smile!
why don’t you ever smile?’
and then she would smile, to show me how, and it was the
saddest smile I ever saw
one day the goldfish died, all five of them,
they floated on the water, on their sides, their
eyes still open,
and when my father got home he threw them to the cat
there on the kitchen floor and we watched as my mother
~~ Charles Bukowski ~~
Since today’s poem came from the post of exactly two years ago, why not do it again?… It WAS a very good Pearl…. If you recall, I used another piece of it yesterday, as well…. I didn’t realize how well it would fit in with today’s theme, until just now… It’s perfect, actually, as it also mimics the life cycle of a lawyer, from pupae (law student), to caterpillar (lawyers who have passed the bar), to butterfly (politician)…. Perfect!….
So there I am, cruising along in the database, and all these little pieces of observational excellence from Smart Bee keep popping up in my face. I figure that he (Smart Bee) must have something he wants to get across to the readership out there; who am I to argue? If I don’t do this, I could spend years trying to find a new quote there…. Smart Bee is very insistent when he gets a wild hair like this…. So, just follow the bouncing thought ball to the conclusion that is most obvious….
Sex! Lies! Drugs! Money! Power! Corruption! Man, I love Congress! — Smart Bee
Gun Control – the belief that government, with its great wisdom and moral superiority, can be trusted with a monopoly on deadly force. — Smart Bee
It has been determined that most teenage girls lose their virginity during the summer months. This stands to reason, since Congress is recessed at that time. — Smart Bee
Vote Democrat. It’s easier than thinking. — Smart Bee
Vote Republican. It’s easier than thinking. — Smart Bee (honest, both are in there….)
Congressional National Bank. Ours bounce higher and farther! — Smart Bee
“Crime does not pay … as well as politics.” — Alfred E. Newman
I forgot to mention: today’s picture is from the web site of Carol Welsh (link: http://radiatingblossom.wordpress.com/ ); on her site she posts poetry, quotes, and other forms of literary beauty, as well as pictures she creates of flowers…. Her photos are the cleanest, clearest, most gorgeous studies of single flowers I’ve ever seen… With her kind permission, I have copied literally hundreds of her photos, all of which became part of the slide show I use as my desktop background, and for my screen saver… each one is yet another example of her keen eye for, and appreciation of, great beauty, in nature, and in life…. And, her photos are my quest, to produce even ONE photo that is as beautiful as any one of hers….
Well! That turned out well, for such an effortful missive…. I’m feeling better, now, a little bit, having pushed through all the obstacles to completing this; no less pain, at the moment, but, now that I’ll stop typing for a while, it’ll calm down…. I’ll be able to apply a few ounces of magic cream to strategic spots around my skeleton, and find a little peace for a time… I hope you enjoy today’s post; it cost me a little more than usual, but, still came out alright…. See y’all tomorrow, ffolkes, come hell or high water….
and May the Metaphorse be with you;
Blessed Be, dearest Carole, Mark, and Theresa…
and everyone else, too…
When I works, I works hard.
When I sits, I sits loose.
When I thinks, I falls asleep.
Which is Why….
Sometimes I sits and thinks,
I just sits.
gigoid, the dubious
PLEASE STOP READING THIS MESSAGE NOW.