Complex moods, painted in plaid….

Blast! And Damn! Damn and blast this fucking PTSD! I am so fucking tired of weeping, virtually at the drop of a hat, or, as is the case today, upon awaking and arising…. and no fucking reason at all! I’m just sitting here, sipping coffee, and my bloody emotions decide it is time to start leaking tears, just because the world isn’t perfect, or something. I don’t even know why I am sitting here in emotional distress, sobbing as if my dog died…. again.

All I know is my nose and sinuses are now full of fluid, which insists on rudely leaking from every orifice in my head, except the ears….. Who decides this stuff? Why does this happen to me? I’m a patient man, mostly, but I’m really tired of having my own psyche ambush me like this, without any clue as to why….

Oh, things are stressful, to be sure. It’s tough not to be when one lives so close to the edge of real poverty, but, for the moment, it is not an urgent issue, and I don’t see why my unconscious would be punishing me over that; the bills are paid, and I have food for a while, so it shouldn’t be a panic button state of affairs. Nor am I particularly suffering from social withdrawal…. I speak with my neighbors, and with the folks downtown at the coffee & Wi-fi spot, so I’m not completely without social interaction, all fairly comfortably….. with only the one neighbor acting like an childish ass, and his answer to the situation is to avoid me, so, no worries there…. No, I can’t figure out why I am in tears, and it is getting to be quite annoying, to say the least…..

“I was sane once… didn’t like it.” — Smart Bee

Maybe I’m feeling sorry for myself a bit…. because of lack of funding, I’m looking at quitting smoking, by force rather than choice. I can’t justify buying smokes when I don’t have enough food; that’s plain stupid….. but, I’ve been smoking tobacco for 46 years now, and perhaps my unconscious mind is punishing me in advance for having to quit when I don’t really want to do so. It’s possible, but if it is the case, then I am just as disappointed, because it’s a pretty childish way to treat my own self….. I had hoped that, at almost 62 years old, I’d have grown out of that sort of payback, at least against myself…..

Or, I suppose it could be the disappointment I feel at a friend’s decision, to get back together with a person who is not good for them. I always hate to see a friend waste their time with someone who doesn’t treat them well; I feel the pain right along with them. And, it is not good to say anything to them…. that isn’t a friend’s place, either, unless it can help.

But, I’ve said my piece, and assured them I’m won’t stop being a friend, even though it hurts to watch them let someone else hurt them…. so there is little I can do there, beyond what I’ve done….. except hope that soon they will realize how much better off they are without that other fool, and leave them where they should be, in the past….

Ah well, Life goes on, and all our efforts to make it the way we want it are irrelevant in the end; the universe will do what it will do, and people will make their decisions, even if they don’t make sense to us….. and we just have to live with it…. I just wish my own emotions weren’t so vulnerable to what is going on; it would be nice to not feel this down, without knowing the reason why, and having to guess…. SIGH…. one would think that at 62, I’d have a better handle on things, wouldn’t one?……

“Deem not life a thing of consequence. For look at the yawning void of the future, and at that other limitless space, the past.” — Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD) — Meditations, iv, 50

This leaves me with no choice but to go pearling….. it seems to be the only activity of late that keeps me from falling into the pits of despair, without a rope to pull myself out. So, having whined and complained my way through damn near six paragraphs of an intro, Shall we Pearl?…..

“Philosophizing is difficult, but not philosophizing is more difficult still.” — Eberhard Rogge

“Does history repeat itself, the first time as tragedy, the second time as farce?  No, that’s too grand, too considered a process.  History just burps, and we taste again that raw-onion sandwich it swallowed centuries ago.” — Julian Barnes

I’ve passed over this pearl numerous times, knowing it would eventually become relevant somehow to Reality as we know it… or, at least as it is reported by Fox News and the other corporate news sources (if such can be termed ‘sources’, as that usually implies that one may obtain something useful from accessing them…). The recent news from both sides of the information wars currently being perpetrated on our unwilling and unappreciative attention has been living up to this quote ever since the mash-up leading into the debates…..

Everyone writing for the public seems to be rushing around like the proverbial headless yard birds, and my tolerance for the amount of BS being flung about is getting pretty thin. It is indeed a fortunate thing, for me, and for them, that none of the principal protagonists in this dramaturgy (defined as regurgitating drama, repeatedly…) have ever come face to face with me, for I don’t think I could predict my reaction with any degree of certainty.

That which I could predict, would be that I would react negatively, if for no other reason than their presence is an affront to my sensibilities, and upsetting to my serenity. Assholes, the lot of them…. Sorry, but I spent many years trying to treat sociopaths, and it’s dirty, nasty business, because they don’t WANT to change. They are narcissistic, viciously vindictive, manipulative creatures, and I’ve had my fill of them, both in my work, and in being forced to watch the ones who are vying for the keys to the national treasury….

Don’t misunderstand me… I’ll be voting on November 6, and I’ll be voting my conscience. You can decide for yourself what you believe that to be, knowing that I’ll choose reason over ignorance every time. But, I don’t trust ANY of them, fully, because I don’t trust anyone who would wish to have that much power over others, no matter how pure their motives may be; just wanting the job is insane, in my book. So, I’ll vote, and hope that enough others have chosen as I have, so I don’t have to spend as much of my upcoming income on guns, right away, at least…. Should the forces of darkness hold sway, then I’ll be stocking up ASAP…. Just sayin’…..  I was a scout, and I try to be prepared…..

“A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.” — Robert Heinlein

Nearly four years ago, when the incumbent President was newly elected, one of the opposing party’s leading pundits made a very telling statement…. He said that his party had decided that their single primary focus for the next four years was to ensure that the new President was a one-term President. This national party, supposedly representative of the common American, made no bones about forgetting all about working for the common good, in favor of disrupting any possibility of making progress over the next four years, just because they lost the election. They have lived up to this, blocking all legislation from the White House attempting to improve the lot of the middle class, seniors, and the poor, with their negative efforts eventually culminating in the selection of a candidate to oppose the President who has repeatedly lied to the public for the last 20 years, and continues to do so on a daily basis.

“I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends…that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.” — Adlai Stevenson

Now, to me, all of that sounds much like how a six year old would react at the news of a new baby brother or sister, fearing that his mother would love the baby more, i.e. jealous insecurity, in its most obvious form. It certainly doesn’t sound like the kind of illogic and insecurity that I want in the people who hold the national purse strings, and the keys to Armageddon in their sweaty little hands…. especially since I know they don’t care a whit about anyone other than themselves, as shown on TV every day, on both sides of the issues. Assholes, the lot of them…. oh, sorry, repeating myself….

“The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool all of the people all of the time.” — Franklin P. Adams

This election campaign is strong evidence in support of this idea…. We have one candidate who, all by himself, has become, by actual count, the all-time first place liar of all presidential candidates to ever toss their hat in the ring. Yep, from day one of his campaign in the primary elections, when he started the tax return lies, and the flip-flops on his past record, to the recent debate, where independent fact-checkers tallied 27 outright lies in 38 minutes, and he established a new record (though, it should be pointed out, he broke a record he already held….), the Republican candidate has proved to be a consummate liar, smiling his way through every denial of truth.

“A lie can travel halfway round the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.” — Mark Twain

Yet some polls indicate many millions of Americans believe all of his perversions of the facts, and intend to vote for him…. Of course, these are the same folks who believe that global warming is a myth, creationism and a 5000 year human history are truth, as well as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the tooth fairy.  Sorry… SIGH….couldn’t help myself… It is so discouraging to realize just how many ignorant people there are in this country, especially when I hear of women who support this man and his party’s policies, which counts them as nothing more than chattels, owned by men, with no rights at all regarding how their own bodies are to be considered….. These guys would take away the vote for women, if they could….. and that isn’t a random accusation, I’ve seen them indicate as much in print….

Hell, I can’t stop myself, this just outrages me so……. The VP candidate on the Republican ticket is ON RECORD as being in favor of legislation that would make it a jailing offense for a woman to get pregnant when not married, as well as favoring a law that would make it illegal to have an abortion in cases of incestuous rape, or any other rape…. Don’t take my word for it, look it up…. it’s on public record, ffolkes….. and folks….  He is one sick fuck, trust me…. misogynistic and deathly afraid of women, and their sexuality…..

And…. if anyone should think that these remarks are harsh or libelous, well, I refer you back to the First Amendment to the US Constitution…. and would also advise you to examine the evidence as presented for truth…. It is only libelous if untrue, and I defy any competent psychiatrist to challenge my assertions as to the man’s fear of women, after examining him…. But, then, he has already said all of this on public record, so…..

“I contemplate with sovereign reverence the act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should ‘make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,’ thus building a wall of separation between church and state.” — Thomas Jefferson, to the Danbury (Connecticut) Baptist Association in 1802

Yesterday, I saw again some ignorant conservative posting the newest version of the Pledge of Allegiance on FB…. you know, the one where they inserted “under God” back in the 1950’s, during the Red Scare, and McCarthyism’s reign in Congress. This person posted it with a shouted invitation to join in with the crowd of uneducated masses, and lend their name in support of making this country an armed religious compound for white Christians, rather than a melting pot of diversity…. implying that anyone who didn’t Like and Share it was NOT an American…. Well, no, wait….. now that I recall, it wasn’t implied, it was stated outright….. oops, their bad….

I didn’t bother to comment, though I was sorely tempted to remind them of one simple fact; that kind of thinking was EXACTLY what our forefathers were attempting to avoid when writing the Constitution, as so clearly stated above by TJ…. Unfortunately, I never remember to file this piece from Tom Jefferson where I can find it quickly, so I just let it go.

But, that kind of idiocy, essentially, puts me in a rage, and it is a good thing that social networking is a virtual event… If it were actually live, and face to face, I’d have to slap that person….. Just to get their attention, mind you…. I know they will never change their spots, as they are completely resistant to reason, having obviously been in denial of reality for a long time….

Ah, c’est bon! C’est la vie…. Once again, I’ve talked meself into a corner, from which extraction in a graceful manner could conceivably get ugly. Therefore, I’m going to leave this treatise where it is…. Political tom foolery and nonsense is, as you know by now, a favorite subject of discussion here at Exploring Consensual Reality, and I’ll no doubt return to this fascinating discourse at a later date….

I’m a bit proud that I’ve managed to be so fair-minded today, at least in the sense of not naming names….  they’re all pundits, aren’t they? Some are merely the lesser of two evils…. As such they will get my vote, but never my complete trust…. The others, against whom I vote, and of whom I’ve spoken herein, can kiss my rosy ass, because it would be better for them than meeting me in person, and paying the ultimate price for their ignorance…. Exposure and embarrassment, followed, if I can swing it, by letting Reality pronounce, and carry out, the mandatory sentence for the crime of stupidity, and denial of the laws of the universe…..

“If only there were evil people somewhere, insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?” — Alexander Solzhenitsyn

Hmm…. something about which to think, carefully, wouldn’t you say?……

“But groundless hope, like unconditional love, is the only kind worth having.” — EFF co-founder John Perry Barlow, “Cynthia Horner’s Eulogy”, Apr. 1994

Unsolicited Gratitude

Fear becomes familiar when reality bodes us ill
pain assumes first position, no matter our will.
Powerless, we founder, no strength to prevail
anguished and afraid, against unwanted Fate we rail.

Still a grain of hope deep inside, hidden well against need
gives us reason to survive, our starving souls to feed.
Failure of courage burdens time, of being bested,
until our souls, in submission, become foully infested.

Bitter tears wash through us each day, with little care,
no thought, no feeling, no wish, or need to be fair.
Rendered clueless, confusion falls upon us, as prey,
we surrender a piece of our soul, little as we may.

Yet, always, a bright beam of hope is seen from afar,
no matter how dreary, or dark, it may seem where we are.
None knows, nor would consent to tell, it seems
from whence it hails, or why it so brightly gleams.

Saving our sanity, absolving our unwanted fears,
dispelling the myths and lies that come with the years.
Each man has known the precious gift that hope may give
And gives glad thanks, as long as he may live.

~~ gigoid

SATIRE, n.  An obsolete kind of literary composition in which the vices and follies of the author’s enemies were expounded with imperfect tenderness.  In this country satire never had more than a sickly and uncertain existence, for the soul of it is wit, wherein we are dolefully deficient, the humor that we mistake for it, like all humor, being tolerant and sympathetic.  Moreover, although Americans are “endowed by their Creator” with abundant vice and folly, it is not generally known that these are reprehensible qualities, wherefore the satirist is popularly regarded as a soul-spirited knave, and his every victim’s outcry for co-defendants evokes a national assent.

Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung
In the dead language of a mummy’s tongue,
For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well —
Thy spirit (usefully employed) in Hell.
Had it been such as consecrates the Bible
Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel. — Barney Stims

— Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

This really doesn’t need any comments from me; it pretty well states its case unequivocally, with great clarity and charm. So, since I went a bit overboard above in the first section, I’ll let this stand alone, as a paean to perhaps my favorite, as well as one of my most trusted, tools for poking at the universe in all its glory and shame (most of the glory is the universe’s; most of the shame is ours, I’m sorry to say…..). Besides, good prose, and good poetry all in one pearl…. what more can a peruaosopher (one who loves and studies pearls….) hope for?

Having forgotten to go over this at home, it will have to do, however it came out. I’ll proof, of course, but that doesn’t give a view of the big picture…. My impression is there are a lot of words today….  🙂   I know, a bit dim, duh! But, I’m going to trust my instincts, and let it fly without any censoring on my part, other than spelling and grammar issues…. I’ll take the heat later….. I hope all is well for all of you out there in the Big Blue Room….Y’all take care out there, and May the Metaphorse be with you…..

Sometimes I sits and thinks,
and sometimes
I just sits.