Ffolkes,
Today’s subject line came to me when I was trying to find a way to describe what I have discovered these last few months, living on the edge of poverty. In some ways, it has been quite illuminating, once one can get past the bone-deep fear that seems to accompany this lifestyle.

‘This lifestyle’…..hmmph. Even that is euphemistic, a more delicate way to say what is actually true, to wit: living without money. As a middle-class citizen of this country, one gets accustomed to, and takes for granted, things that the lower income folks almost never see or have. Like plenty of money to buy food, after paying the most essential bills. Or enough to go out for a meal, or a movie, or just a drive. It’s hard to take a Sunday drive to see the sights, when there is no car; or if there is a car, it must only be used for work, with gas at $4/gallon. It’s hard to take in a movie, when one can’t even afford to have cable tv, if there is a tv to be had. Clean clothing becomes a luxury, when one lives without a washer & drier, and not enough cash to spare the $10-15 for the laundromat.

These are only the most obvious differences; the less obvious are nonetheless just as harmful to the spirit, degrading confidence and adding weight to the burdens already carried. Life then, for those in reduced circumstances (another euphemism….just how does one reduce one’s circumstances?), becomes a constant battle for survival, instead of a platform for growth. I can’t say that learning these life lessons is comfortable, nor can I say that I am learning them with grace; more of a growl. I find my spirit to be in constant need of rejuvenation; it keeps getting harder to find something about which I can feel hopeful. Each day brings another angry creditor to the door (figuratively speaking of course; thank goodness they haven’t started actually pounding at the door….. yet…).

Being the kind of person that I am, I know I will survive. But the shape of the future is not as clear as it used to be, hampered as I am by the fog of fear, and the constant distraction of having to find ways to live and spend less. It has been said that to be an artist, one must suffer….if that is even remotely true, then whatever work I am putting out in between periods of dithering about income vs. outgo, must be truly genius. I wish I could believe it is so…..

“Become what you are.” — Buddha

“In the vacant places, we will build with new bricks.” — T.S. Eliot

And after all, what is a lie? ‘T is but
The truth in masquerade.
— Lord Byron (1788-1824)
— Don Juan, Canto xi, Stanza 37

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers

“And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the bible were used to beat plowshares into swords…” — Alan Watts

When you are down and out, all too often the thing that turns up is the noses of your former friends.

“He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless
efforts.”– Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

Kowabunga!